Love is the most bizarre emotion known to man, it’s something we all heard about and have some view or feeling towards, yet, we still question its real meaning. What is true love? Is it real? Every person wants to be loved, however freely they admit this. If you ever get the chance to love or be loved, take that chance, if you feel not ready or unsure; time is the answer. Time changes everything, it can make or break. Breaking a heart is so easily done, when the feelings have been built up. That love can simply change to hate, not a hatred for them, but hate how you feel; we all experience this at some point in our lives. The one person you care and love more than anything can simply become the person that makes you doubt, doubt who you are and how you feel. Yes, the person we love makes us who we are, but until that point it can feel rather strange to suddenly experience this change we never thought would happen.
We talk of so many different things, so freely, I almost wonder if anything truly makes sense? Words make such a difference to how we think, how we express ourselves, it’s amazing how much it influences us. Most emotions muddle together to create something outrageous, maybe it’s why we are all so different? It’s becoming a habit, talking as if people are actually listening, to know that these words will make someone think or question themselves in some form, lovely thought isn’t it? Maybe were wishing for something that may never happen, something that’s already passed its chance, or never really had a chance? Its confusing thinking and speaking yet were getting no reply. It’s the conversation, even to oneself that makes things happen, positive or negative. What we know; changes how we act?
I walk around my garden. I always find my thoughts come out easier in an open space, the surroundings always makes me feel at peace. The flowers are full bloom and overpowering the air with the scent. I feel like a bee being drowned in pollen, bending down to stroke their pretty faces, they shudder at my touch. I love being here, I love breathing this air and feeling perfect within my own space, I walk by the side of the cottage and to the front garden, the sun sparkling down upon me as I walk.
Under the apple tree there is a mint green bench; his favourite colour. I painted this when I first got here, I know if he was here now, he’d choose it; he’d want to be under here with me talking of all the things we were so sure of, all the secrets we share, the laughter, the smiles and the countless hours of confession. We share something special, there is no-where else I’d rather be with you. In our dream for the future.
Some things you can imagine happening, this is one. I remember when you used to talk of climbing up just to irritate me, and pretend you can’t get back down, this I didn’t fine amusing, but as I stand here, it makes me smile. You do that a lot to me, make me smile, from no-where. I love talking of you, I love talking of memories and writing of what I felt and know of you. Everything attracts my eyes, everything makes me curious.
Casting back to the book, the book of you, me and everything we dreamt of. There is no-one like you, no-one that can love, care for me like you, touch me like you do or understand me like you. No-one can even begin to compare to the real love I feel for you. With every breath together, with every step, we’ll always be united as one, just like we should be. For everything you’ve ever done, you deserve the utmost best from me. I just want to be with you, no-one else.
I sit on the bench; I touch the wood beside me, touching the rough surface with my fingertips, imagining you sitting next to me, imagining your voice, imagine your physical touch. Closing my eyes and dreaming deep into my desires, wanting you here with me so badly, needing you to protect and love me. Oh what I’d give to see you, right now, here with me. My hearts broken and it’s only you that can save me; you’ve always said I was strong and I only have to believe in myself, but it only ever feels right when I know you’re by my side. I hold onto every fibre of my being and the thought of being with you forever makes me tingle with excitement. I only want you, I always have just only wanted your love, and I know it’s real.
When you crave something so much, your insides ache. Feeling so broken inside the images of what you wish to come true, once again. I’m longing to be with you again, just once more, properly this time. My eyes hurt so much, I feel they may burst, but I’m never going to let go of that one thing I want to so much. Never. I can’t live without you, I think I’ve made it that clear, you’re my life. I’d never ask for much more than to be with you once more. Whenever you were around I just knew without seeing you, my body feels different, my skin felt strange. In a special way; no-one else made me react like that.
Then I look at you, I open my eyes wide and I see the very essence of you sitting next to me, you are a dream, your face is the definition of perfection. You have a face like an angel, I go to put my arm to your skin and you just put a hand up and smile. Oh, such a fresh, sweet smile that always made me weak. Whispering the words I’ve longed to hear come from your mouth once more. “I love you.”
I sit there today, thinking, dreaming, and hoping of meeting you once again. I’ll never leave that space. I promise, it’s my place where I see you, where I can talk to you, alone. It’s my place, where I meet the most perfect person ever to be put on the face of this earth. It’ll forever be my place.
______________________
There comes a time, when the end, is finally the end. People change and begin to shape into someone else; it’s not a spiteful change, although it can seem to be. Moving on is the way of life, changes are going to happen and we can’t change them. It’s not in our power to keep things the same, if things stay the same, how will we know if there’s more to our life, more to find, more to see, more to learn, if we stick within the same recognisable setting? It’s time to spread your wings and try and educate ourselves with the knowledge of life.
I sometimes look at myself and wonder what’s changed and what’s happened. Am I to be blamed for them? Or were they going to happen anyway? Has it been written in our stars? Is there anyone we can blame? Over the course of our lives, everything eventually changes, even us. Small gradual differences that change the history of our memories. We all learn and progress from our memories, they make us who we are today, and we remember the good and the bad, so we can carry knowledge from the events in our lives then to now. So, do we blame ourselves for what goes wrong? Is there anyway we can prevent change, without hurting? Or is hurting part of the process? Yes. I believe it is, yet all opinions will differ on beliefs. Trying to work out what’s right and what’s wrong, is tiring. Although, we all spend our whole life trying to work out our purpose, why things change, what were meant to do, what were here to achieve; working out what to do with our life. Yet so many unanswered questions, what do we do? Do we keep searching? Will we ever find it? I don’t know, but I think I’m going to have fun trying to work it out.
Looking around at my place, I know this is where I belong. Whether people agree or think its right, nothing bothers me, only what you think of me. I would never want to disappoint you. I know you want me to be happy, and do what feels right by me, my mind and heart. You calm me; you make me happy, and the better person. I remember you in happiness, of the times we spend together; you’re so special to me, to everyone. You taught me about love, about giving everything my all; nothing would be the same without you, or the memory of you. Thank-you, I love you.
