*strange noises*

Eeeeek! Just found this new 'Design' button and it's amazing! Rather loving the editing changes that can be made.. think I may be using this more often.
Thought i'd just let you know.

I was having a little think..

Today I was having a think about how lucky I am and feel. In all my relationships i've ever had, I must admit I was always cautious about my disability. I got to a point where i'd almost hide it, just so that people didn't know and then wouldn't treat me differently. Although eventually they would learn that I did have hearing problems.. but hopefully then was the stage when it didn't have to matter anymore, when I had been accepted, and well.. liked. It's almost like, when I think they'd find out, that they would say 'oh.. okay..' and we'd soon split cos I wasn't what they had expected me to be like. I know that sounds terrible, but honestly, i've had a couple like that.
Though today I was thinking about how safe and happy I am to feel accepted in every possible way. I have a wonderful man that wants to be with me, and loves me no matter what, and I know he loves me. My disability has never put him off, and admittedly I did expect him to do the same as the other people. I know I shouldn't have rated him against the other people, because he's far from being anything like them, but I suppose you begin to expect a certain behaviour towards yourself and don't believe in anything else, but he was different.
Also he looks at me the same and talks the same as when he didn't know. I don't feel scared to have them on show around him or to worry if they whistle or make a strange noise. I feel comfortable to talk about them and other things with him. It's become nothing to worry about. He'll turn them off if i've accidentally left them switched on. He'll repeat things as many times as needed to hear what was said. He'll flip them back over my ear if they've fell off, and he'll hand them back to me once i've taken them out at night, in the morning.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that however worried you are about yourself (in any way), whatever you don't like about yourself, or feel self-conscious about.. there is going to be someone who will accept it and love you the way you are. So that one day, your worry is no worry.. and really, it makes you feel better in your own skin, and massively more confident. I've found that man, who doesn't think twice about them, and main priority is that i'm happy and okay.
To be honest i've found that, any man that will put you down for the things that bother you, aren't worth it.. and most certainly don't deserve you.

So really girls, there's proof, there is some decent guys out there! Start feeling better about yourself :)

it's a tumblr day..

"If I had one wish; it would be to have nothing to wish for."

As to what Chris said was,
"If I had one wish, it'd be to be happy, so therefore if I was unhappy, I could wish for something that would make me 'happy' like, 10 million pounds and then have it."

But I asked,
"Would it really make you happy though?"

"Well, I could certainly think of lots ot spend it on.. mainly you."

today..

Been reading someone's Tumblr and found a couple of quotes I really like.

"If a relationship has to be secret; you shouldn't be in it."

"All that truly matters in the end is that you loved."

"Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift."

_____________________________________

Yesterday, I went swimming and it really tired me out, but I had a really good time. Admittedly my arms did hurt on the way home and I was completely nackered and fell asleep on Chris's shoulder home, but eh.. it's been a long time.. think we'll keep up the idea of this fitness swimming for a while.

i've just got to say it.

Can I really please just say?
I LOVE the idea of living with you and being with you, once we're married.

random nattering

Well I firstly want to say how very sorry I am for the lack of posting. I have no clue who actually reads this, but if you are a person who do look on here often will see i've been terrible for providing you with stuff to read!

I suppose i'm going to tell you a bit of why I haven't been online as much. I have actually been busy, I know it's kinda shocking! Also, I think it has to be said, that I think i'm finally getting a life outside of the computer, many people will laugh at that, but it's the honest truth. I just am not that bothered about being online. Also when i'm online, i'm a facebooker and a twitterer. So really you can catch me on there.
I have got back into painting and drawing, and especially at the moment, i've kinda gone crazy over strawberries! I'm painting, photographing them and drawing them.. oh and not to mention, nibbling them too! I'm enjoying doing my arty stuff again, and yes, I know I left Uni because I didn't want to anymore. But, I don't know, i'm feeling inspired again.. also its not for a purpose, so that makes it less pressurised to come up with explanations.
I've knicked my dads' camera, the 'big one' as I call it. I love this camera, and I do wonder why I never exactly kept it, 'cos it is actually a great camera, although the lens is completely f**ked. Ok, not a broken in shatters type, just it's taking a long time to focus on something substantial, but saying that, i've got some amazing shots from it! (Just means you have to do more 'manual' work!). So really, if he got a new lens, it'd be amazing again! But.. lens costs lots of money. Dammit.

Oh, and I saw Leona Lewis! Yes, I really did. She's sooooo amazing! Seriously, I had goosebumps everywhere from it, and it was a great show, she's a great dancer, and has a breathtaking voice! Yes, she's everything to be envious of.. although what makes it worse, is the fact she's so friendly. Not that i'm THAT bothered.. haha, not really. I saw her with my sister and had a day trip to London. It was really fun :) I wanna go back again! It was immense. Oh and naturally she left the best song to last. RUN! yes. I was singing and cheering, oh and obviously dancing! It was a happy day..

I've been having loads of dreams recently. It's scary how many, and how many I actually remember! They say you dream most of the time.. but usually you never notice. I've had many, and well i've taken to writing them down as they'll be interesting. Saying that.. i'm writing most of my things down these days.

Oh, what's the hype about the world cup? Why does everyone go mad when it's on? It's only football *hides from items to be chucked my way* but seriously.. it really is. I'm grateful i'm with someone who doesn't really give a toss about it, that much to be obsessed, or offended by the comments and rants I seem to be giving out! I don't really understand how it's such a massive thing, and how people seem to act like it's the end of the world if we don't win. Seriously, we're not going to win the world cup. I'll almost bet on it, only I don't really care enough to do that. But eh, carry on England!

Oh and a special, special conglatulations to my friend Lilii for giving birth to baby Leo on the 20th June. I wish you all the luck and hope everything goes well for you, you deserve it! (yes i'm feeling broody!!)
And also, a fingers crossed and love to my two friends who have bumps - Louise and Becki! Hope everything's going well for you two aswell. Love you all!

Saving the best for last, (it's a great way to end something!) my darling Christopher James :)
I'd like to say, it's our anniversary 6 month mark tomorrow, and i'm so happy. Not because it's our anniversary, but the fact we're still so in love and talk exactly the same as from the first week of our relationship. It's gone so quick, yet I can't believe it's already half a year since we've been together! So i'll probably do some writing about it tomorrow, possibly.. (don't hold your horses over it!)
He was away on a course, for two weeks near enough and for one of them weeks he was unable to have any contact with me, or anyone else via his phone. He was away for 4 days, and it was a complete nightmare. I missed him so much, it was like they'd taken my best friend away and replaced him with a brick wall. It didn't feel right not being able to talk to him, but, really it's like, I haven't gone a day without talking to him since the night we met which is new years till that day. my nights weren't the same. I love being able to chat and talk to you about everything i've done all day and natter about nonsense and random things.
But he's home this weekend! So that's great and we're planning on going swimming :) simply because I wanna shape up! woo!
Oh and we have some news, we've set a first draft of a date for the wedding!! :D it's planning to be after he comes back from the falklands, so 1st October 2011. Although, obviously we haven't checked with churches etc, so the date may move around! Just thought i'd mention all this.
Hope you're all doing well!
Love x

A Letter to You

I firstly would like to apologise for the fact, that recently I haven't been posting nearly as much as I normally do, it's just i've been really busy and haven't been online as often as I have done in the past. I do write a fair bit, but most of it becomes half written and then gets left. Here's my latest piece.

Dear You,
Many people may read this, but also many people won’t truly understand this as you would. I’m having a moment where I’m feeling too much and no where to project this. I really dislike it when I feel like this, it’s horrible, but when I have it on my mind, I have to say it otherwise it keeps turning around in my mind.
I don’t like people telling me that I’ll get used to this and will soon get to like the idea, because I’d like to say now, I don’t want to get used to it, and can never imagine getting used to it. I can’t really see why anyone would want to. I do understand how some people like their own time and getting on with their business with friends, getting used to a routine. I get all that, but I don’t think like that. I’m not saying I don’t like seeing friends, or going out for the day doing something separate but just saying that I don’t ever think ‘oh good, he’s gone, now I can get on with what I like’. In my view that isn’t what love is, and well it seems sort of selfish. Personally I’d be worried if I ever thought that of you, because in all honesty, I wouldn’t ever want you to go away. It’s like the other day when you were here, we were both together in the sense of the same room and next to each other, but we got on with two different things. I was drawing and painting whilst you were playing on a game on your laptop and we were both listening to music and watching the latest episode of Doctor Who. I never found that a problem, we barely spoke, but both happy to get on with our own thing. So saying that, I can’t see why people still would want to. I know I’m going to contradict myself here by saying; that I suppose I am starting to get used to it. I know that I won’t see you for a week to ten days at a time, not that it makes it easier, but I then know it’s going to happen. I find a place within myself to learn to cope with it, as you know I hate it when you leave. It upsets me and I don’t like knowing I can’t cuddle you, or come find you when I’d like to.

I’ve come to a time where I’ve decided making a fuss about things doesn’t automatically make things happen the way I want them to. So in a way I keep trying, mentally to keep strong, to appear unfazed. When actually it doesn’t work when everyone around me who knows me, knows what I’m thinking and feeling anyway. I suppose it makes it easier for me to think I’m doing the right thing in coping.
Yesterday I met up with Els, and I told her that in all the time we’ve known each other, since the night we met, we haven’t had one night where we haven’t spoken. It’s rather amazing, and as she looked fairly shocked, and said it was rather romantic how we haven’t. In that moment my heart sunk. In the nearly 6 months we’ve been together, we haven’t spent one day not without a word between us. I tried to get off the topic and to just talk about anything else, but about you. Not because I don’t love telling people about you, but just the fact I think I would’ve cried right at the moment. That wouldn’t look so great on my trying to stay strong mask, eh? I know this will seem stupid, but the more I write and read this, the more I feel I’m making a show of myself. It’s like half of me is telling me to stop writing, whilst the others saying I need to carry on; luckily that part is my heart. I’ve heard that’s a good reason to carry on with something.

I’m feeling a bit lost. It’s like when two people that are really close, the best of friends, known each other since they were really young, shared all their secrets and know what make one another tick, then one of the goes on holiday for a week or moves to another location. Ok, it’s not really the same, but I’m feeling how they would be. I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do, what to say, but I know I need to be doing something, but it then ends doing pointless stuff. Why does love make you feel like that?
I know it’s only four days and really it’s hardly a long time. It’s just I’ve been keeping myself busy and meeting up with people, doing chores and other things, but, it’s still only Tuesday. It’s taking forever. I’m trying not to think about you and everything related to us. But I wear the ring and when I think I’m getting on with something, I brush it against someone, take it off to have a shower or to do a mucky chore. It all then comes back to me just how much I’m missing you.

I’m going to say this part as honestly as I can. You’ll be able to visualise it well. I had just changed into my pyjamas, as I was about to go to bed. I came downstairs to get a drink; I put ice in a glass and a straw. Went to the fridge and got the cherryade out and filled the glass.
Mum was in the kitchen too and the dishwasher beeped and she began unloading the machine. Evie was sitting on the chair so I started talking and fussing over her, in the background mum was nattering about something, but I remember something reminding me of you. All of a sudden a felt like I wanted to cry. I had noticed I haven’t since you’ve left, not like I normally do. It was as if I had locked that part of my emotions away, purposefully. I sat there trying to hold it all in, but I felt so empty and like my body was filling up with water. Suffering with a lump in my throat. It was only because mum was looking away and talking that I managed to keep it semi together. She then said “I think I’m going to go to bed when I’ve done this”, then I managed to quickly agree, then went to go upstairs. Before I could get half way up, my eyes were burning and a couple of tears were running down my face. I walked into my room and shut the door and I couldn’t no longer keep it together. I just kept crying, because all I wanted right then was a cuddle from you, I wanted you. It was the only thing that was going to stop what I was feeling, the tears and my empty feeling. I only wanted my Chris.
I got into bed, and turn the light off straight away and sobbed whilst hugging CJ bear, but the more I hugged, the more I wanted you and the more I cried. It was a vicious circle. I honestly wondered how I was going to sleep that night, how I was going to settle and visit the land of sleep, it was feeling like it may be impossible. You know how the scent of your perfume was fading? Well it was like much stronger, I don’t know if it was just because I wanted you there so much that all of me was grasping onto the smallest smell just to have you with me. To remember you. After crying I always feel so much better, it’s like I’ve dropped everything out onto the surface. I don’t remember anything more after that time, apart from thinking I’m going to have to write something about it all. I was forming sentences in my head and paragraphs, ideas about how to start and end it. I laid there for ages, just with my head on your would be pillow, wishing you’d just come back there. I think I eventually went to sleep.

York with Chris

For our engagement present we got a couple of days away to York including; hotel room and spending money! Our trip was on the 24th-26th May. We had a lovely time and really enjoyed ourselves, so much we think we're going back to York again! It's massive and beautiful.. Quoting from Chris himself "there's so much to take in".

We went to York Minister - which is huge! The artitecture was gorgeous, I got sucked into taking lots of pictures here! Oh and got hauled into walking up to the tower.. yeah was fine (!).. only 2000 steps! (yeah was a struggle towards the end!)

Also a ghost walk - was entertaining, although both me and Chris agreed the man leading the walk was sooo creepy! Maybe he was a ghost himself? We walked around most of York and was listening to ghost stories, I enjoyed it. Once we got told we have to hold hands or link arms with someone we love or else a ghost was going to get us and we'd have bad luck.. not that was going to be a problem with us..

York Dungeon - was hilarious and scary! Chris and this other woman got called up for practically everything, it was so funny! The torture room with the chapper chopper! (LOL) and being summoned in court for wearing a pink dress and pink lipstick and luring men into the aisle for wicked buisness only to knick their money.. having the plague.