Requested; Loosing You

I'm continuously walking down the same road, a road where the sun is shining bright. Blue sky is all around me and the sun is pounding down on my shoulders, I take my jumper off and put around my waist. I breathe the fresh air, going through my thoughts, thinking about my life. The happiness I'm feeling inside when a thought of you come across my mind. It's not an unusual thought to have, yet this one I find hard to concentrate on.

I try pushing it out of my mind with abrupt force. It's a daydream; that will be nothing more than that. I don't want it to come real, because, then, who will I think about? I have more than one daydream, but I shouldn't really do that. It won't harm anyone will it? Surely they are my thoughts? But, my mind reflects on my face. I don't see why I try denying anything anymore. It's too obvious.

There is going to be a time, like now, when I'm walking towards the storm. I was so absorbed in my thoughts I didn't think to realise there's the sound angry engines, roaring at me. Telling me to keep walking. That this is the way I need to go. That the sun isn't where I should be. It doesn't help me. Do I know what's good for me now? Do I need to follow these cars?

I'm travelling down this long narrow road, seeing a dark cloud ahead. The place where it'll feels everything ends. If I carry on down that road, into the darkness. That's how I'd feel if I lost you.

The sunshine would be a distance memory, everything I've known these last few years would be vanished. To never see your face again, hurts the core. My heart? Does it even have a beat anymore? I'm instantly miserable, who's going to be there for me now? What's the point anymore? I hurt. Physically aching, wanting him to be back in my life. I can't have him around my life anymore. I miss you. I miss your laugh, your smile and the way you look at me. I won't ever know what's going on in your life, the good, the bad; all the things I want to know more than anything. You are my best friend. You always will be, I promise you. No friend could ever replace you. Nor would I want them to. It wouldn't be possible.

I have your eyes burning my mind. The sadness. Tears. It's tearing me up. Hesitating with what to say and do. Suddenly wanting the power to do something about this mess. Knowing deep down, there's nothing for the moment. The sadness in your face, heartbreaking. If only we could do something. Run away from the darkness, back to the sunshine.
Maybe you'd pretend you didn't care? Walking away, throwing your arms up in exasperation. Be defensive and say something harsh to make it feel better for you? Only I'd know you'd regret it as soon as you said it. Look at me to see the effect. Possibly threaten to ruin a promise? You know what they mean to me. Yes, I'd be that little more heartbroken, but, really, nothing could feel much worse than having to loose you.

I know all this, before it really happens. Can visualise it in my mind. The pain. Shows how much, I actually do know about everything. Friendship. Trust. Love. Knowing you. Most of all, being best friends.

I have to find a way without you now. I know you're going to be OK my love. You have things that better, more worthy of you. Don't hate me. Don't even be upset. I know the words hurt, but I've never meant for it this time. I wish I could really show you how I feel. How it destroying me, so slowly. Over more time, it's only going to get stronger. It's not what we are about. You can only begin to imagine how I feel. I'm sorry I've left us to this point.

The darkness is pulling me away. I can only let it. I don't have the strenght to fight it anymore. It's been hurting me too long. I'm sorry. I am, deeply sorry. You know you're my everything. Literally. This is why; I have to do this. You know where you can find me. You know my mind. How I think, how I proceed. Go with it. Your instincts will tell you all you need to know. I am not going to let you go. You are always with me. Remember that.


This is not where I want to be, but may have to be? I have to concentrate on a new life. Learning a new way of living. You're not coming back. My heart is breaking. Violently.

I love you. I'm sorry.

I don't know

Everyone asks. No-one understands.
I don't know. I really, honestly, don't know, anything, anymore.
Stop hassling me.
I don't know the answers. I don't even know the questions.
I'm in a place where all I want and wish for is to vanish.
Because to be honest, I don't want to be in this mess anymore.
It's ruining me.
And, I don't even understand why. I don't know anymore.
I don't know the answers, or questions. I just don't know.
Don't look to me for the ending, because mine's here, and yours is far over there.
I don't know why.
I'm starting to actually not care why.
Yes, I'm heartless and evil. I know that. But, I don't know why.
Or really care.
All I know is that I will eventually hurt you.
I don't know why I do that.
Everything is a dot. I don't know.
I simply, can only put it as a massive, I DON'T KNOW.
Now leave me alone!

Chapter Two; Living the Nightmare

Day after day, just sitting here, talking to the same people over and over. Naturally there is a very limited amount of conversation. Nothing gets beyond, “So what you been doing today?” As well, we’ve all done the same thing, when it comes to that business. All the interesting stuff that may have happened, we all have discussed, and everyone knows about. So it’s back to the old routine.
I’m bored of life and I’m bored of pretending that I’m enjoying it, well to the nurses and doctors. I have nothing left to enjoy. What is enjoyment? There, you see I’m so worn down I’m actually asking you the meaning to enjoyment! That’s beyond sad.
I remember my first day here, I don’t think I have ever been so confused in all my life, I simply didn’t understand what they wanted from me. The looks. They all give looks in this place, it’s a place for a mad person, but they just say it all. It’s exactly what they think of me, they just don’t understand. They act as if they know what they’re thinking, but they know nothing. They never will.
Susan, she was the nurse that first spoke to me, an old fashioned lady with polite manners. Yet I’m sure there was something strangely familiar about her really, she spoke to me as my mother did when I was a young child. I’m not going back there again. She hopped me up to my bed and told me to take the medication she handed over and be as quiet as possible as everyone was trying to sleep. It was only 4pm! I personally wondered if it was meant to be her getting into this bed and taking these tablets after such a statement! She obviously had a lot of practice reading patients minds as she looked amused and smiled.
“It’ll be ok. Definitely will take time to settle down and get used to the little things, as well as the big changes”
I just looked away for a brief moment.
“I don’t think I will ever belong here, or get used to it, and most of all, I really don’t want to get used to it”
She tucked one side in; as she looked up I tried my best to give her a hard look. She understood that instantly and left with a quick smile.

One of the biggest problems with being here was that, everyone actually knew who I was. Obviously, I was noticeable.
On the first day everyone was looking. Everyone. It was extremely irritating. I wanted to scream and tell them I shouldn’t be here. Yes I believed that since the moment they dragged me in here. I didn’t, and never spoke my thoughts, I simply sat in my bed like an over-grown child in a sulk. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be at home in my study, drowning under many scrap pieces of paper. There was no way I was going to get that, in any hurry. I hated my situation. I liked being alone, left well alone where I can concentrate on what mattered to me. I think I’m a fairly selfish person, wanting to hide from the world. Never quite understood why, yet I completely know why. My imagination works best when it’s quiet. It’s the quietest place in the world in my cottage. Ah, my perfect cottage, the one I once shared.
When you’re alone, especially in a place like this, you have time to think about different things. You wonder what everyone else is going through and how they are feeling different to you, well apart from the fact of feeling as if you’re mad. Also, this is probably the major factor to our difference in matter!
Looking across the room is a younger man than me. He has a full head of hair; this was a dark auburn colour, also with the most palest of skin, yet interesting features. I really wondered what he had been through. He looks at me sometimes. Not just quick glance, but looks for a long time, as if he knows me. Well it wouldn’t be that surprising if he looked at me liked that, only this look was deeper, stronger, as if he really knew me. As if we’ve already met. He made me interested in what his story was.

Susan came back into the room and I tried to grab her attention, but she was too busy to recognise me until suddenly I managed to whisper “Nurse!”
She quickly swirled around and her expression was clearly annoyed. I automatically regretted calling her over as she quick marched over to the end of my bed.
“Yes, Mr Sullivan?” In a cross whisper, what got her so annoyed? I wondered.
“I was wondering if it would be possible to request some paper, or empty book of some kind.” I tried to smile, just to ease up the tension.
She instantly looked as though she has relaxed,
“Are you going to start writing again? I thought you weren’t meant to seeing as...” She lost her trail, I knew why. She didn’t want to sound disrespectful by saying in truth “..seeing as you’re completely mad and been put in here, simply because you are weird, because you have some bizarre claims, its healthier if you don’t write ever again, you complete utter weirdo!”
“Well I and Dr Avery had discussed for me to do something of writing my story of my time here, and life.” Are the words that stumbled out without permission
“Oh, right. Well obviously I’ll need to check with Dr Avery myself – not saying that you’re lying!” Stating the last bit in an instant hurry.
“Really, that’s fine Susan, you’ll fine that we’ve cleared the matter up and is allowed”
Susan flushed under the embarrassment and whipped out of the ward. I listened to her footsteps fade down the corridor, before I sighed and rolled over.
Thoughts started twirling around in my mind, demanding answers to questions I hardly understood. What..where, how do I start..? The beginning? Go Backwards? The place.. I originally wanted to start..? That night? The time we spoke? Dr Averys acceptance? My mother?.. I can’t answer my own questions! I’m utterly ridiculous! How am I going to start writing if I have no idea how to write anymore? Call myself a writer! I’m disgraceful! I belong here, amongst nutters if I can’t even think straight! Max Sullivan; we need to sort you out!

The Mystery Lotto Ticket

A normal day.
Go to your front door and pick up the letters. Whilst walking to the kitchen flick through the letters you have gathered in your hands. Bills, bills, more bills, with the odd junk mail.
Coming across a letter that's been stamped from Belfast; wondering, as we don't have any relatives living in Ireland. Opening the envelope, it's a Christmas card with Santa on the front, with the words 'Ho Ho Ho' printed across face of the card.

A lottery ticket.
With no idea who it's from. A lottery ticket has been sent to us.
There's no lost or gain, we never paid for the ticket. If we win, we'd gain, but if we don't, we don't loose any profit. A free lottery ticket. It's for the next jackpot. 7.2 million pounds.
That's time for fantasising.
Who has sent this?
Why to us?

Whoever that may be we are grateful.
We only got 2 numbers.
But thank-you for sending the possibility of the 7.2 million.
God Bless You.

an email to light up your face

I got an email from a group called CreativeWriting who read my 'The Man I Believe' Post and put it as #2 in their top 10 posts this week! I was very pleased by this, and thought i'd share the email.

'Imz,
Your post 'The Man I Believe' was outstanding. As a group we keep a close eye on talented writers and we strongly believe you are one. All your posts are emotional, and is very clear it comes from the heart.
Over the last week we have read many beautiful posts, but you are genuinely talented. You have a style that's extremely fluent. This particular post caught our eye as you described the man as a dream. Your words are carefully chosen as every post. We would like to keep a copy of the writing, with your permission, would this be allowed?
Congratulations Imz for all your hard work and amazing us with your language. We have a feeling you're going to do well and become our favourite with a spot most weeks. Haven't finished hearing from you!
Happy Writing!

CreativeWriting.

P.s. We've put you 2nd on our favourites posts. Well done again Imz.'

A Man In His Logical Sense

A man who underneath felt like he was good for nothing, came across the one thing that changed his life and the meaning of it. At first he never realised he had such a gift, a talent, until people started praising his work. He's not a proud fellow, he doesn't think he's anything special, and wouldn't ever believe this was how his life was meant to go. His destiny, was to become a photographer. The land is young and he hasn't tested the ground; but by what we've all witnessed he most probably will end this path. Unless he discovers something else. Even if his work, currently turns to be a hobby, it'll always remain important.
Been told many a time I seem to know him better than anyone else around; this simply is down to being in one anothers company. Witnessing the different problems and seeing how he handles situations. He is logical. Likes a reason and to be able to solve. I believe this is why I truly understand why his camera is so precious. There's always a logical answer as to why the piece wouldn't work. One thing goes wrong, means this. There's a right and wrong.
His camera is a prize possession, something he values and understands. Looking through the lens is second nature. The world suddenly makes sense through a lens, a new reality, a fantasy world that you can edit to be anything you could dream of. It keeps him sane. Reason.
Something I know without a second thought. His work is one of the most important things in his life. No-one can ever try and replace that; and if anyone knew him wouldn't try to. Working hard, is the way to getting far in life, getting the respect and outcomes you want. He works so hard, testing many different techniques and styles out, and now. Has that style. The style that belongs to him, a style that you can instantly say is his.
You haven't seen the look in his eye when he's on a shoot. His world has come together; and doing something he enjoys. It's a moment I know he's happy. Walking around, testing shots, changing settings; seeing that hitch up of a smile spread his face. It touches his eyes. He could be anywhere in the world, with a camera in his hand, he doesn't care. This is where he feels most comfortable. His work is his land. A land of happiness and creativity. A land where his logic, is sense.

The Sun is Setting..

This video is very late! (Apologies!)

A little clip I took on the way home from Carlisle - Not sure what i'll use it for, but the sky looks beautiful when it's starting to set. I'm sure it'll be inspiration for a project later to come!

Notes

I write notes before all of my works to get idea flowing and to pick out the main sentances/words for the writing. Thought i'd share some of my written notes I manage to do for my next writing project. (photo's)

Continue works..

Due to many demands – I’ve decided to do some writing that’s been requested. (A First) That’s something special. I don’t to write what people want me to; normally it’s what I feel like and when I feel like it.

Been given ideas of further writing, to continue the work of ‘The Man I Believe’ (Post below this) as many people enjoyed reading it, and would like to see how I would feel if I lost this person, if I feel the way I do when he’s here with me.


I am working on the piece, not sure when it’ll be done, but hoping to work on it over the Christmas period – (yes give me a couple of days!)

Would like to thank everyone who read the blog post, and further-more if you commented. All comments are well received. It’s all of you that inspire me to do more, so thank-you very much.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
Imz.

The Man I Believe

His hair, looking so soft sweeping around his face in a neat fashion, his glasses balance on the bridge of his nose, framing around two bottomless pools of deep blue eyes. Eyes that looking too cavernous can make you loose yourself in the kind spirit of his heart. However much you try convincing yourself, you know this man in front of you, you feel as if there's so much more to learn. His slim-line, rich pink lips, twitch up into a cheeky smile, which reveals his uneven set of white teeth. Now is when the thoughts come whirling, speaking different meanings. A voice, when calm is very soothing and simple.

A face on a man, after the time of decoding the mental block, is someone truly amazing. Something that should never had taken place in the beginning. Someone with a huge heart that touch so many people's lives. A man who believes in the good of the world, and does his utmost to contain that respect. A man who live to strive to be in the future, a man with a plan, ideas for what he want to do and tries his best to catch his dreams. With a face that looks harder than the internal feelings, a man that can only fool those who don't understand the real side. When you know him, he is very gentle and warm person and someone who cares far more than he should about people. Something that means a lot more, is that he shares his thoughts and how feels, only to the ones he trusts. He likes to be close, and talk about the things that matter most.
For someone who knows this man like the back of their hand, he is unbelievably easy to read. A simple glance, you know his mood. His eyes tell the story, you only have to know what you're looking for. Knowing the simple guesture of stroaking the back of your hand is because he's feeling your pain, to biting his lip and nails, is him deeply thinking. A man who always does everything you predict and everything you couldn't imagine, there's always a new look in his eye, a new facial expression and thought to be spoken. Someone you could spend forever with and still think there's something else within him. Less is always meaning a lot more. A man who knows the real impact of words and how important they are. A smirk speak the tale. A man who has an opinion and isn't afraid by sharing it, conversing the magnificence of his mind. Someone who can make you smile and laugh for no reason, knowing the right thing to do at the exact time. That takes someone special.

Saying he’s a man, will never do him justice. He’s so much more than a man. On the outside he looks like an everyday type of guy. Different eyes will see other things to what I could see. Ears will hear different things to me; looks will interpret differently to me. But I know his soul is truly beautiful and will always bring a smile to my face. That who he is, my smile. The man I believe.

my amazing gift.

Yes. I got given a Twilight T-shirt, as a Christmas present! I am very happy with it and will adore and treasure it FOREVER. Happiness in a piece of Cloth. :)

dot dot dot

I'm convincing.. you hardly notice my face lying to you. It's like you don't actually know my face. I convinced you that all was fine. I convinced you. Yes I convinced you.
It's becoming second nature to be able to pretend.

it's true.

I want to be with you.

Listen to you and smile, but my smile's gone without you by my side.

I find it unbelievably hard without you here.

Breathing with me, near me.

Your voice soothes my pain.

I love you more with every beat.

Simply can't shake your hold over me.

It's melting me away to being a nothing.

I don't mind, i'm under your spell.

I'd do anything for you.

It aches how much that's true.

i feel like it's the end of the heart

I've stopped living.
I've stopped breathing, reacting, thinking, knowing.
It's as if I've given up on how to survive.
I want to trust you.
But I have no idea how. How to trust anymore.
Your voice talks, but it's passing over me.
It's like I can't deal with it no more.
I can't do it, i'm tired and restless.
No more.

Holding on forever more

Time goes by. Never stops. It goes round, more time passes. I'm stuck here, missing you. You have no idea how I feel when I wear this. Emerald. Is the stone. My stone. Oh how I wish I knew what it really meant, your meaning. The meaning. I love you, but miss you that much more.

Quote#billion.

"I like writing them quotes; anything to remind me of you"

the things we used to say

I remember when I used to say you were the only one that understood me. The only one I could really have a decent conversation with. The one that saved me. The only one who looked at me like I was something special. The only one with the right words. The only one who knew what I was thinking before I spoke. The only one who laughed at my pointless rambles. The only one that looks me truly in the eye. The only one who is completely straight and honest with me.

I remember when you used to say that I was the person you talked to the most. The one that made you who you are today. The one you could really talk to. The one that you came too when you needed something. The one who never judged you. The one that took the mask away. The one you could talk to about anything and everything.

I remember when we said that we'd always be close. That we'd always be the same. That nothing would ever change. That we'd always be in contact. That we'd still love one another. That we'll always be best friends. That we could always talk about everything. Some of these still apply, but many don't.

a little wishful thinking

I know the past is the past. But I really wish it was the present too. Our past was almost perfect. We were SO close. Inseparable. It's the past. I ruined that past, I know that I did. I'm so sorry. 'Cos now all I think about is the past we had. I want it back. Back here, now. I really, quite desperately want it back. There is no way I can, is there?
You say you love me. Care all the same. But it's not the same. It doesn't look the same. Or feel it. One year on and it's better, but not how we were. Or am I too stuck in what I *want* that I can't have it? It was a one in a million special friendship. I ruined that. All my stupid fault. I will constantly beat myself up over it. I do every time I want to go and talk to you. I know I can, but it's distant. I miss our stupidity. Our atmosphere. The easiness.
Maybe you were right. You normally are these days. Maybe we would've been different at this stage anyway. We actually have our own lives. Separate things. We get by, but, it's not so nice. Not when you've always been used to almost 24/7 contact. About stupid, little things. I still think of them little things. It wouldn't have the same effect as back then. Yet it would set off the bizzarely familar smirk I have memorized. Strange happenings. Everything's so different, yet the same. How do we manage this? Is it because, it really is the same, DEEP down? So far under the surface? I don't have the answers like I used to, maybe I never did?

Even if I never spoke to you again, i'd feel the same. I'd have wished I could turn back time and go back to that spot. It can't, and won't ever be like that again. I know that now. I want to be unbelievably close again. Possible? I have no clues to the future. I only, now know we have a friendship, one where the same pain gets inflicted to the other. I have to put myself in that situation. Back to words. I know your face, like I know my heart beats. It's always memorized. I like your words spoken out loud, I like to hear the whir of the thoughts spin out, and your face to share the thought, without your mask. That's what I like. I almost miss it. Time goes too fast.
We've been apart for too long. But it's ok. We can deal with it now. We've learnt to. It's always wishful thinking.

Quote#;

'But they say all good things come to an end..'

Rant!?#@!!

Will you ever get it?
Will you ever understand?
Do you think it's that simple?
Do you think I haven't tried?
Or continue trying?
You think I want to feel this way?
You think I enjoy having to look at you and tear myself apart?
Think I want to ruin our friendship? Yes, I know you want to be friends! don't you think that's what I want too?
Why you so ignorant?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why do you say them things, knowing?
Surely you knew?
Isn't my face completely obvious?
It hurts too bad, and I don't know how to stop it, how do I?
You think it's nice to have your heart thump crazily everytime I see your face?
Think it's nice to have to remember who you are?
Why you being so un-sympathetic?
Haven't you ever felt like this?
What do I do?
You want and need me, what about me?
I think it'll get easier, but it doesn't, why?
Why do I have to love, you?
Why do you have this effect on me?
Do you actually get what i'm saying?
Am I going to have to end up loosing you to make sense of my life?
Will I end up loosing you?
Why do you act as if it's easy?
Why doesn't the world spin when you leave me?
Why does it go dark as soon as you say goodbye?
Why do I have to wait for you?
Why does my life seem empty without you?
How is it that you make my day, nearly everyday?
why why why?

It's always when you're happy.

Always when you're happy, does someone has to come along and ruin your spirit. Make you out to be a horrible person, and general hurt you over their insecurities. It's not on really, i've never brought him in anything to do with us, I don't even mention him around you simply as you don't like it. So I keep that part of my life to myself and other people that don't mind it so much, (is what mothers are for). But, i'm happy! I've been so happy waiting to come home and spend time with them special people, only, you have to make it wrong. I'm happy with how things are, it's my own problem even if i'm not, not yours, so don't pretend it is. I haven't changed what's between us, it's you with your mind thinking the wrong things. You know I love you so much, beyond what I can express and will always love you, so why are you bringing him into it? I love him just the same, and think of you all the same. So why are you trying to ruin everything? It's always when i'm happy you have to do this - someone has to always let me up. Thanks a bunch!

tgvsdobv

"My heart is in the cage dangling way above the ground."

#pm!

"Once upon a time.. there was a love story, with no happy ending."

December,

So, it's December, the official winter season has crept upon us.. and time for us all to fall into the winter blues; well so it seems. Everyone is starting to feel down and miserable, and it's horrible, as a friend to watch it, knowing i'll probably fall into it aswell, yet don't know how to prevent.
It gets very dark really early, and it's constantly cold .. oh and not forgetting being ill constantly.. it's not nice. But something we all have to go through..

I must admit, I'm having zero energy and the 'can't be bothered with anything' syndrom, especially when it comes to coursework. I need to shake out of it, but, I can't seem to.. and I get the problem of always worrying about people, I worry, worry, worry, and worry some more.. I don't understand why I do..! It's annoying me majorly..
Do wish I could solve everyone's problems.. and also, just sleep too through it all.

Thought of the day;
"Standing in a room full of people.. yet, feeling so alone"