I feel like a busy bee, thoughts flying around, many unusual emotions whooshing around me, what am I meant to make of this? Events make you think, they make you consider things, things that shock you, and things that make you want to hide in shame. What’s happened? What have I become? I look around, embarrassed of what I am now. I was happy, I am happy, but it’s not what it was. I still love you, if that makes any difference? I look up now, muttering things to myself, I can’t believe it, how does he manage it? How does he get me to see these things? Everything has drown me out, I fall to the ground, why me? Why did I have to loose you? Why did I become this person everyone’s so disgusted with? I just sit there. Staring, I flicker through events, happy events, laughter, lots of laughter. A little turn up of a smile, comes upon my face, silly quotes, from people I care about, they fill me up with happiness. I realise how much they really mean to me. I study myself, my actions, and my words. I’ve closed myself in; I can barely look those people I love so much in the eye, why? Am I scared of how I’ve acted towards them? Do I feel a sense of shame from them? Am I scared of what they truly think, of this person they knew, and now know? Am I scared of loosing, what once was my special place? I look across the road; it’s still there, and full of life, just like it always has been. I feel stupid now, putting my head in my hands, trying to vanish from this place I stand within. Wishing the world would just swallow me up and put me away. Up high on a shelf, far away from anyone, until I’ve sorted myself out.
I imagine myself being a teddy, some ordinary teddy, but to one person being their life and soul, imagine going everywhere with that person, seeing what they see, feel what they feel, being the only one that matters in their life. I have that with you; but your not here. Not in person, not someone I can hold onto, without ever letting go, hearing your voice, over and over. I used to, but not anymore. I want to be that teddy, the one that everything depends on. The one thing, that a piece of them has disappeared, if they couldn’t take me with them. Will I ever get that again?
Nothing makes sense, not like it used to anyway. Some days everything makes sense, only when I’m in that place do I ever feel like ‘me’. I walk over sometimes, just with no feeling, and I come out happier than ever, people wonder where I have been, what I have experienced. This is a whole new side to the one your used to, am I right? I don’t know where it starts or begins, or the fact that it begins and ends at all? That’s the question. Questions, there are just so many questions I wanted to ask, I may know you well, but there’s always more to find out. I never know what to think most of the time, but I’m a firm believer in you, in him, I know I’m not a perfect being, I try my best to be me, but I can’t be anymore. I can only apologise for my sins to you, and others, I just hope for your forgiveness. I never know when to stop, if I can approach you? I’m a confused person, why am I a person? Why can’t I be that teddy? He gets loved, without asking for any. I look around and I hear the voice, the one I’m so desperate to hear.
“My little one, my special one, why are you so confused? You shouldn’t, you have everything here, and everything you need and want. Yes, life’s hard for you, why I’m still looking over you, I’m going no-where, and I’ve promised you that. I’ve always promised you, whatever goes on, I’ll still hold your hand, I love you, and you’re my friend. You know what that means to me. Don’t be confused and worried, people love you, for you, things change, people will always change around you, but you have to stay strong! Your dreams, your hopes, your home, they’ll all come one day, and I promise you, you’ll one day soon be so happy, you’ll break through the horrors of your mind, you’ll be set free. Believe me? Since when have I ever let you down? I hope the answers, never.”
I think, ‘what am I scared of?’ I actually don’t know, deep down I probably do, but at the moment, I don’t have a clue, there’s so many things to find out! Will I find these out? I’m going to try. Try and be the person I want to be, if life’s told me anything, it’s to be you. Trying to be someone else only makes you unhappy, makes you confused, leaving unwanted things to get into your head, and they end up destroying the things you want most. We’ve all done it sometime or other, I’m sure, no-ones perfect. He’s taught me, no-one is perfect. No-one.
I jump up from my chair, it’s time for change, he’s right, I shouldn’t be worried and confused, I should be full of life, absorbing all the information I need to survive in this life. I want this to be the best, yes, I don’t have you, but I have all the power my heart can produce and deal with! That’s all I need, trust in myself and your love. All I need to survive.
I tip toe down my path, my path of success, and pick up a rose that has fallen from the bush. I gently clench the petals in my hands and stroke the velvet bud. It’s so beautiful; life is full of beautiful things. Hidden little things. The sky is cloudy, but so blue, such a rich blue. The icy blow from the wind makes me shudder, I love that feeling, cold air upon my face, in my garden. I look down to my feet, deep buried under grass strands, weaving its self around my toes, I smile. Thinking to myself, 'I’m strange, I feel so lost yet so at home all at once, how could such a thing happen?' I laugh to myself now, quietly giggling. What a silly person I am, in this wide world. I carry the flower back inside, I walk to my sink. I’m not going anywhere. This is the chapter where so much and so little happen. It’s time to cast back.
I fill the vase with cold, fresh water and place my rose in there, a single rose, it symbols love. I love flowers. Lilies are my favourite, I think to myself. Such a strong colour is this red, I understand why people give roses out, they are so much more than a flower, studying the rose closely, I can’t keep my eyes off it, so many memories, many wishes, and, oh, so many secrets! I pick the clean vase up and take it over to my writing table, the one looking out the side bay, overlooking my enchanted garden. I dropped a few of my pencils on the floor and they rolled under my chair. Firstly arranging my sheets of paper, shuffling them into a random order
“I’ll sort them out later” I say out loud, putting them down on my armchair. I get on my knees and rummage around looking for my pencils “aha!” I’ve found them, but I feel something else under this old piece of furniture. I think, “What’s this?” I pull out a big book, a thick, dusty book. I blow off the dust. In big gold curly writing, it reads ‘my book of memories’. I get up, I stand still, it reminds me of a story I read some time ago, one of a room. With files. Lots of files. Millions of files. Happenings that has happened in the past, things of regrets, events to be pleased with, a whole new world. One that made you think of who the real you is all about. It’s so similar to my place. The place where I feel at peace. I wipe my hand over the front of the book; my hand was covered in dirt. I didn’t care, I was so curious of seeing what my whole life had been about, who I was, the real me, this book speaks of everything. It’s all in this book. A start to a new adventure.
Saturday, 31 January 2009
My Place - Chapter Two
I look out the window, the window within my space, the window that show's my future, the one that’s here, it show's me what's really going on.
It's bright outside, the sun’s beaming down; slowly and surely making its way through to my window, and it’s something exceptional, so special. It’s not just the sun; it's the warmth I’m getting from the rays, the warmth from him. Him being someone only you and I know, or maybe just I? I know him, my safety net, within my four walls, with him looking down, I stand gazing out the window. It's so beautiful this view. I'm looking at the forest.
I have memories of walking around that place, that place being somewhere so familiar and close, yet so far away. It was once a place I felt special, but it’s different now. I tingle when I think of going back there, it’s exciting, and it’s my place. It’s where I belong. I belong there. In the heart of the forest. “Let’s go back there” I hear myself say. “Let’s go revisit them memories, back in there, back where everything was perfect.”
There are so many different types of leaves laying on the ground, all with their own set of DNA, everything full of life and pumping their love all around, feeding it to me. Flowers blooming around, showing their delicate faces. Everything feeling perfectly at home, in their own surroundings, swaying and sharing secrets with one another. I love walking back into here, no-one realises the real truth about this place, it’s magical, I want to freeze the picture. You should come here. I look behind me, what’s really there? The place I’ve grown around, the place I want to stay? No, I want to be in that field with the laughing trees, bees, butterflies, flowers and the vivid colours. I have once returned, to my real home, where things understand me, doesn’t pretend that it does, it does, naturally. Humans were strange creatures, something interesting about all of us, but here, in this arch around this entrance, it’s quite different. It’s drawing me to this place, we match, I touch a leaf nearby, I take it into my hand carefully, I stroke it. Feels like velvet. The green mesmerise my eyes, my whole body. I feel a touch, a light, gentle touch. These hands took mine into theirs, “Your not alone, I’m here, I’m always here, I’ve always told you I will always be with you, no matter what” he spoke quietly, yet comforting. “Like you always promised me? And I didn’t believe you?” I replied. He just smiled, touching my fingers, he takes my face. “Your eyes, you’re tired, you’ve been through so much, your eyes are tired” I’ll always remember that.
I begin to walk. Slowly, slowly into this comfort spot. The grass under my feet brush lightly against my skin, I hear sweet nothing’s, whispers from far away. Music to my ears, I take them in, they make me smile, and I feel so special, unique, like the only thing that matters. He treats me like that. He respects me, he brings me to this remote place, he situated me here, and he wants me to feel this. I love him, “oh thank-you, thank-you for everything, I love this place, you know the real me, I love you, I really love you!” I say out loud. I don’t care who hears me, a big gust of wind come blowing my way, lifting my hair and swirling it around, everything’s rejoicing how I feel. I’m home again. Your something extraordinary, there’s no way to describe you, your love, compassion, your honesty, I don’t deserve you, I really don’t, but I’m grateful, truly grateful, you’ll always love me, won’t you? He will. “I will” he whispers.
I take a picture in my mind of every section of this forest, small, intricate images. I’ll always record and keep these forever. This place has become a huge part of me now. I walk past it everyday, in there everyday, and I just focus my attention on the colours, the breeze, I’m wrapped up tightly in my coat, I feel at home every time I see it now. It’s the only thing that makes sense in this world; it’s my view out the window. It’s apart of my home. Never make me leave this place, please? I’m trying to be me again; I want the sunlight on me forever. Glisten your sparkle into my eye; weave your power into mine.
I’m standing at my window, I hug myself firmly. The memories. That walk, that journey. A journey that happened a long time ago, a journey I love to re-visit. I stand weary at this window, I wipe my tears. I begin to cry, cry so hard. I want everything back. Back to how it used to be, simple. It’s a journey that has to finish, I have to begin a new one. Should I be excited? Emotional? I rest my head on the frame. I wait for some time, just standing there, images flicking through my mind. I couldn’t even tell you, what was running through my head, but I’m aware of everything around me, I stand watching, the sun begins to set down, slowly but surely, the colours all blend, blend to bring new fascinating colours, I’m amazed. The new day will begin soon, the new day, my new start, my new journey, my new life. I smile and take back the curtains, I neatly prop them behind the tie-back. I stroke them into place, they feel soft. This is what I want. Everything I want is right here, right here with me. I want to rest, I need to rest, too many thoughts. I enjoy thinking, I find it helps, people always comment on how dangerous it is. I don’t find this, thinking is my very source of who I am, I project from my thoughts. I’m unsure. I’ve done enough thinking, the new dawns coming, I’m at my home, I have everything I need, I have the love I’ve always wanted. We share something special; it’s the only one of its kind. I love it. I love us. I love you. I know about true love now. My place is my love. You are my love. I rest my head down, I pull the blanket over me as I squeeze into a small bundle, and nothing can spoil me. Nothing can spoil me no more. Everything makes sense, the forest wave me goodnight, I close my eyes and think, go deep within my soul, our soul and find what really matters.
It's bright outside, the sun’s beaming down; slowly and surely making its way through to my window, and it’s something exceptional, so special. It’s not just the sun; it's the warmth I’m getting from the rays, the warmth from him. Him being someone only you and I know, or maybe just I? I know him, my safety net, within my four walls, with him looking down, I stand gazing out the window. It's so beautiful this view. I'm looking at the forest.
I have memories of walking around that place, that place being somewhere so familiar and close, yet so far away. It was once a place I felt special, but it’s different now. I tingle when I think of going back there, it’s exciting, and it’s my place. It’s where I belong. I belong there. In the heart of the forest. “Let’s go back there” I hear myself say. “Let’s go revisit them memories, back in there, back where everything was perfect.”
There are so many different types of leaves laying on the ground, all with their own set of DNA, everything full of life and pumping their love all around, feeding it to me. Flowers blooming around, showing their delicate faces. Everything feeling perfectly at home, in their own surroundings, swaying and sharing secrets with one another. I love walking back into here, no-one realises the real truth about this place, it’s magical, I want to freeze the picture. You should come here. I look behind me, what’s really there? The place I’ve grown around, the place I want to stay? No, I want to be in that field with the laughing trees, bees, butterflies, flowers and the vivid colours. I have once returned, to my real home, where things understand me, doesn’t pretend that it does, it does, naturally. Humans were strange creatures, something interesting about all of us, but here, in this arch around this entrance, it’s quite different. It’s drawing me to this place, we match, I touch a leaf nearby, I take it into my hand carefully, I stroke it. Feels like velvet. The green mesmerise my eyes, my whole body. I feel a touch, a light, gentle touch. These hands took mine into theirs, “Your not alone, I’m here, I’m always here, I’ve always told you I will always be with you, no matter what” he spoke quietly, yet comforting. “Like you always promised me? And I didn’t believe you?” I replied. He just smiled, touching my fingers, he takes my face. “Your eyes, you’re tired, you’ve been through so much, your eyes are tired” I’ll always remember that.
I begin to walk. Slowly, slowly into this comfort spot. The grass under my feet brush lightly against my skin, I hear sweet nothing’s, whispers from far away. Music to my ears, I take them in, they make me smile, and I feel so special, unique, like the only thing that matters. He treats me like that. He respects me, he brings me to this remote place, he situated me here, and he wants me to feel this. I love him, “oh thank-you, thank-you for everything, I love this place, you know the real me, I love you, I really love you!” I say out loud. I don’t care who hears me, a big gust of wind come blowing my way, lifting my hair and swirling it around, everything’s rejoicing how I feel. I’m home again. Your something extraordinary, there’s no way to describe you, your love, compassion, your honesty, I don’t deserve you, I really don’t, but I’m grateful, truly grateful, you’ll always love me, won’t you? He will. “I will” he whispers.
I take a picture in my mind of every section of this forest, small, intricate images. I’ll always record and keep these forever. This place has become a huge part of me now. I walk past it everyday, in there everyday, and I just focus my attention on the colours, the breeze, I’m wrapped up tightly in my coat, I feel at home every time I see it now. It’s the only thing that makes sense in this world; it’s my view out the window. It’s apart of my home. Never make me leave this place, please? I’m trying to be me again; I want the sunlight on me forever. Glisten your sparkle into my eye; weave your power into mine.
I’m standing at my window, I hug myself firmly. The memories. That walk, that journey. A journey that happened a long time ago, a journey I love to re-visit. I stand weary at this window, I wipe my tears. I begin to cry, cry so hard. I want everything back. Back to how it used to be, simple. It’s a journey that has to finish, I have to begin a new one. Should I be excited? Emotional? I rest my head on the frame. I wait for some time, just standing there, images flicking through my mind. I couldn’t even tell you, what was running through my head, but I’m aware of everything around me, I stand watching, the sun begins to set down, slowly but surely, the colours all blend, blend to bring new fascinating colours, I’m amazed. The new day will begin soon, the new day, my new start, my new journey, my new life. I smile and take back the curtains, I neatly prop them behind the tie-back. I stroke them into place, they feel soft. This is what I want. Everything I want is right here, right here with me. I want to rest, I need to rest, too many thoughts. I enjoy thinking, I find it helps, people always comment on how dangerous it is. I don’t find this, thinking is my very source of who I am, I project from my thoughts. I’m unsure. I’ve done enough thinking, the new dawns coming, I’m at my home, I have everything I need, I have the love I’ve always wanted. We share something special; it’s the only one of its kind. I love it. I love us. I love you. I know about true love now. My place is my love. You are my love. I rest my head down, I pull the blanket over me as I squeeze into a small bundle, and nothing can spoil me. Nothing can spoil me no more. Everything makes sense, the forest wave me goodnight, I close my eyes and think, go deep within my soul, our soul and find what really matters.
My Place - Chapter One
I like to go into unknown places, feel danger within my everyday journey. Walking, walking into the forest, it’s my place to be, I have my journey and adventures there. I pick up my coat and wellies. I leave my safety net to go and explore. Find my own journey. Figure out the truth. I walk out the door, look behind, “I love this place” I whisper. Down my path and across the road, into the trees, I keep walking, absorbing everything around me, the nature, the air, the air smells fresh, daisies swaying in the breeze, the leaves dancing and whirling around, the tree’s shaking with laughter. I’m in my utopia, the place where I can relax and be me. I always feel the simple things mean the most. I can go miles, the time doesn’t matter, and the only thing you really take notice of is the sun, coming up and down. The new dawn, new experiences. Being somewhere new, being unsure what’s round the corner, walking past cottages with roses round the door ‘I want to be there, I want to be happy with my loved ones there’ passes in my head, a rush of love comes over me, I’m happy. I’m overly happy with my life; it’s the peace I want to feel, forever.
We all have our journey, all have our personal way of thinking, feeling and expressing, we are our own person, the world clashes with personalities, looks, voices, and it’s exciting to know what you can meet! In my world, I’m in a big field; it’s my spot, only this place knows what I honestly feel for this small section of the world. The feeling is extraordinary, out-of-this-world. I don’t want to let go of this planet, only him know what I am truly feeling and thinking, who I am. He made me, be me. He wants me to be happy and experience this, he made this section for me, he smiles over me, challenges me every day, and I come through smiling with the support and love from him and the others. I am having this journey, and I’m happy, it’s what I should be, a happy person, making the best of what I know is my goal; to make the changes I feel are necessary, show people what real love is about. He taught me about love, real, honest love. I dance and skip in this field, I’m high on life, on which I am and who I should be, nothing can ever bring me from this perk. Colours all spin around me, mad, vivid colours, I can’t help but smile and giggle to myself, the greens, oranges, reds, blues, yellows, the world is one big rainbow! He did this to me. I realise now, how special I really am, how much I honestly mean to him. I love this place; I love the people in this place.
Everything is secretly laughing at me, I don’t mind, I’m silly. Will this last forever? With love, anything’s possible, however anyone feels, someone loves them, I know someone does, but they do know this person? Probably not. Your probably wondering what I’m going on about? But this place doesn’t make sense, why I like it. There are so many questions people have, we can’t answer them all. Yes we crave those answers, but something’s are best left unsaid, left for conversation, thoughts, opinions, he’s given us the answers, we just need to find them. Search deep within our souls. Rummage through our heads, it’s to help you, find the real you within our foolish world.
I now hum along to myself and I clearly hear the birds twittering along with me. They understand what it’s really like out here. It’s the place to be, do you feel it? Would you ever hold my hand and experience this with me? Would you feel the happiness I do out here? Would you understand what makes me truly happy?
Bee’s bumble along, getting on with their business, it’s all at peace. Nothing’s judging anything out here. I walk over the bridge; I know this will take me home, the place where everything makes sense and where you feel the safest. Back to my little cottage with the roses round the frame. So beautiful. Everything feels so perfect here. The journey of my life, it’s forever continuing, but we realise what’s really important when we think deep. Deep in our thoughts, we all know where our place of perfection is, or maybe you haven’t found that one place yet? Yours will be very different to mine. Mine’s the fields and going on that long walk with the nature. I smile when I think of this place. It all sounds very silly, it is, but life is. Nothing’s for sure. The truth hurts, the lies hurt more. Trust in yourself. Find that love that makes you want more, only when you love your life and self, your journey develops, blooms into something special and on-going, then, and only then can you be completely happy with the world. The pieces of the puzzle will finally fix together. You’ll become you. Your journey will not end, till you end it. Give it that finale ending, your worth and deserve everything! You’ll shine into that person you wish, and long to be. Were capable of anything in this world, we have everything within reach; we have obstacles, but why have everything simple? Where’s the sense of adventure? Sometimes things don’t work how we want it to, but we can twist it round, anything’s possible, everything’s available, we have to find it. Smiling. A big broad smile, it’s the first step, a smile gets you recognised, people react to it. Why? I will never know. Although I do know that people will want to know what’s going on in your mind, we all have secret thoughts, those happy thoughts. It’s your journey; make it the best one you could possibly think of. Go find yourself, go find that place, find that love. Will you come back? I doubt it, not after you’ve been there. It’s the place you’ll want to be, like where I am now. But do come tell me sometime, if you find that true love. I’ll know before you reach the door, it’ll be the day you come down my path with that big smile.
We all have our journey, all have our personal way of thinking, feeling and expressing, we are our own person, the world clashes with personalities, looks, voices, and it’s exciting to know what you can meet! In my world, I’m in a big field; it’s my spot, only this place knows what I honestly feel for this small section of the world. The feeling is extraordinary, out-of-this-world. I don’t want to let go of this planet, only him know what I am truly feeling and thinking, who I am. He made me, be me. He wants me to be happy and experience this, he made this section for me, he smiles over me, challenges me every day, and I come through smiling with the support and love from him and the others. I am having this journey, and I’m happy, it’s what I should be, a happy person, making the best of what I know is my goal; to make the changes I feel are necessary, show people what real love is about. He taught me about love, real, honest love. I dance and skip in this field, I’m high on life, on which I am and who I should be, nothing can ever bring me from this perk. Colours all spin around me, mad, vivid colours, I can’t help but smile and giggle to myself, the greens, oranges, reds, blues, yellows, the world is one big rainbow! He did this to me. I realise now, how special I really am, how much I honestly mean to him. I love this place; I love the people in this place.
Everything is secretly laughing at me, I don’t mind, I’m silly. Will this last forever? With love, anything’s possible, however anyone feels, someone loves them, I know someone does, but they do know this person? Probably not. Your probably wondering what I’m going on about? But this place doesn’t make sense, why I like it. There are so many questions people have, we can’t answer them all. Yes we crave those answers, but something’s are best left unsaid, left for conversation, thoughts, opinions, he’s given us the answers, we just need to find them. Search deep within our souls. Rummage through our heads, it’s to help you, find the real you within our foolish world.
I now hum along to myself and I clearly hear the birds twittering along with me. They understand what it’s really like out here. It’s the place to be, do you feel it? Would you ever hold my hand and experience this with me? Would you feel the happiness I do out here? Would you understand what makes me truly happy?
Bee’s bumble along, getting on with their business, it’s all at peace. Nothing’s judging anything out here. I walk over the bridge; I know this will take me home, the place where everything makes sense and where you feel the safest. Back to my little cottage with the roses round the frame. So beautiful. Everything feels so perfect here. The journey of my life, it’s forever continuing, but we realise what’s really important when we think deep. Deep in our thoughts, we all know where our place of perfection is, or maybe you haven’t found that one place yet? Yours will be very different to mine. Mine’s the fields and going on that long walk with the nature. I smile when I think of this place. It all sounds very silly, it is, but life is. Nothing’s for sure. The truth hurts, the lies hurt more. Trust in yourself. Find that love that makes you want more, only when you love your life and self, your journey develops, blooms into something special and on-going, then, and only then can you be completely happy with the world. The pieces of the puzzle will finally fix together. You’ll become you. Your journey will not end, till you end it. Give it that finale ending, your worth and deserve everything! You’ll shine into that person you wish, and long to be. Were capable of anything in this world, we have everything within reach; we have obstacles, but why have everything simple? Where’s the sense of adventure? Sometimes things don’t work how we want it to, but we can twist it round, anything’s possible, everything’s available, we have to find it. Smiling. A big broad smile, it’s the first step, a smile gets you recognised, people react to it. Why? I will never know. Although I do know that people will want to know what’s going on in your mind, we all have secret thoughts, those happy thoughts. It’s your journey; make it the best one you could possibly think of. Go find yourself, go find that place, find that love. Will you come back? I doubt it, not after you’ve been there. It’s the place you’ll want to be, like where I am now. But do come tell me sometime, if you find that true love. I’ll know before you reach the door, it’ll be the day you come down my path with that big smile.
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