It's the month of December!

Well it's finally December, and i'm so excited!
It's my first Christmas with my Chris, so that's really exciting. Also we've got a new house together, a home for us and our little boy to come. I love it when it hits this month (well, besides the snow!) 'cos everything is just smiles and happiness.. well unless you include his lot ¬¬
But we love our new place, it's so homely and have a billion pictures over the place and just our stuff, a place where we can do whatever we like!
I'm really wanting to put up the christmas tree and dec's - but i'm still waiting for our tree that someone's suppose to be giving us...

I am 26 weeks pregnant now and getting bigger with each day.. (maybe not literally!) but I do seem to be growing loads, but I have our little baby inside me, so it excuses the overdose on mincepies! ;)

Also today is a special day, as it's 1 month left till me and Chris has been together a year.. I can't believe how quick it's gone, it seriously feels like we've been together forever :D it's definitely the first year of many years :)

Yesterday I went to my friend, teacher & (auntie)'s Retirement party, and it was so lovely - OK, we had some troubles on *getting* there, but we made it and well we simply felt special being invited! Definitely an incredible woman tbh - and don't know how life would be if she wasn't there to help me through my younger years! I adore her, and i'm so glad she's able to stop doing what she's doing (although we all know how much she loves her job!) to do the other things she's never been able to do in her life. Any deaf child or adult that has her help, support or been looked after by her are very lucky people :)
Love you lots Julie Bear!

sticking one and one together..?

Me and Chris have been putting names together. Obviously we can't name them unless it sounds right, but we love the name 'Rupert Edward Reynolds' - Just sounds so like us, old fashioned, and unique. But saying the old fashioned bit, it is, but all the old names are coming back!

Oh, and saw Harry Potter and Ron was looking mighty fine, so Rupert ticked a box ;)

It really feels,

like my friends don't give a crap about me anymore. As if it's hard work to be bothered to speak to me. It really hurts 'cos I love them so much and tbh we've been through loads together, yet it's like they just don't have the time anymore. It actually hurts.

My Insides Get A Little Excited ..

I found this image, on someone's Tumblr this morning - yes, I was being nosey. But tbh, I fell in love with it, it's so yummy! love it! :-) David Tennant, I don't believe i'll ever stop acknowledging your gorgeousness!

my little man

Our little baby boy, is a little devil already! I've began feeling him move after weeks of wondering why I already haven't, but different pregnancies are different. On 23rd November '10 at 4.45am, I felt him kick for the first time - It was also a fairly hard one! I began feeling several more, it was amazing that I actually cried. I was gutted that Chris wasn't there to feel it too, but he'll be home soon to be able to feel them, and i'm more than sure he'll be emotional too.
Now after all the shock and pleasantries of having our son kicking me, pretty much on cue everyday, it keeps getting harder - but tbh it's lovely feeling him bumping around!

I feel silly talking to my bump and always end up doing it whilst getting strange looks and 'What are you doing Immy?', but tbh i'm talking to my little baby boy. I tell him all about what i'm doing and what i've got to do next, all while he's thumping around!
Currently his walking up times are between,
4.45am-5.35am.
8.30am-9.30am.
11.45am-12.30pm.
2.50pm-3.45pm.
6.15pm-7.10pm.
9pm-9.40pm.
10.45pm-11.30pm.
Then after I go to sleep after baby's stopped around 11ish, I don't feel any movement till roughly 5 in the morning - this isn't to say he doesn't wake up at anytime, it's just it might not be hard enough to wake me whilst i'm asleep. We'll have to see when he gets bigger and stronger at kicking me to determine whether he does.

a new home..

Both me and Chris have been looking for a home for our baby and at last found one! :)
We're really excited as we're moving in a week today.. lots to do but it'll be brilliant having somewhere to live, and a place for our baby boy to come home!

As you know by just reading that, we're expecting a baby boy! We're very happy to know they're well and healthy. As for the 'boy' bit, we're glad we could find out although we couldn't say we were particularly fussed for the sex, aslong as they were well, which they are! so that's our good news :)

BABY NAMES!

Me and Chris have been going through baby names that we both like.

Boys names : Ethan, Edward/Eddie, Fred/Freddie, Elliot, Albie and Ted.
Girls names: Lily, Elsie/Elsa, Amber, Rosie, Heidi, Eliza, Pheobe, Jemima, Ivy, Hazel, Amelia and Poppy.

..and this took forever to get this far. Obviously there were names each of us liked that the other didn't, but we agreed to keep to ones we both liked.

So like..

My best friend is back from Uni for a few days and wants to meet. Though I am actually skint. Literally.
I just want to cry, 'cos I miss her so much and want to see her badly!

You know what, it's in the first few hours that you've gone that hurts the most. It's that instant 'goodbye' and separation.
And it bloody kills!

I'm really excited!

On Friday, I have the whole house to myself till Monday night, and I know I most probably sound really stupid, but i'm excited!.. But I won't be completely alone.. I have Chris staying with me till Sunday night :-)

I can't wait to spend some proper time alone - well since we've been married, it'll be lovely to just be able to chill and talk etc without people poking around to see what you're up to! It's going to be really nice 'cos i'm planning on making tea for friday :-D

But next week we're going on our honeymoon, to York. We went there for our engagement present in May and we loved it and wanted to go back ever since (to be honest, we'd probably stayed there forever if the room didn't expire). But i'm so happy that we've planned it for the bonfire/firework night.. well we never planned it, we just realised that the Friday was bonfire night! We love fireworks etc so i'm sure it'll be lovely!

-

Have you ever had them people that actually annoy the hell out of you, that cause havoc in your life, yet you couldn't imagine life without them?..

Yeah, I have a good few.

Pictures of Wedding/Reception

These are a few of the pictures people took at the wedding and reception :-)

I'm now officially married..

Hey there,

I've had an hectic time recently - And tbh i've not really had time to think about blogging although I absolutely love blogging.. Maybe some time soon!
I'm now officially a 'Wife', a married woman, I tell ya it seems so weird to be called that, yet I love it, but it's scary.. I think it's one of them massive steps a lady can do in her life, changing her name and becoming a wife! But i'm loving it - I love my husband more than words can say, and we're incredibly happy.
Our day went so quickly which was a shame, but we loved it so much, it was okay once the ceremony was over! but tbh, I'd do it all again cos it was an amazing day! Was lovely to see all them people I haven't seen in ages, it's not till you talk to people that you realise how much you miss certain members of your family!
I'm officially a Mrs Imogene Reynolds, and I love it!

Beanie Update!

As you'll know by now i'm having a baby, and it's named 'Beanie' for the moment till they're named properly :) I can't actually believe they're 15 weeks and 3 days, it's so amazing..

I just wanted to put a pic of my scan up :) enjoy!

I'm sooo happy!

How amazing is life atm!?

I feel like the happiest woman to actually be alive. There is so many funky chooooonze out atm, it's fantastic, I keep dancing and singing! It's great, lots of things to be looking forward too :)
I'm practically finished with the wedding, and I tell you, everyone is so going to outdo me! I think I shall look plain next to my gorgeous bridesmaids and also my mum.. it's so unfair! But eh, this is all secretly good.. and if you're coming to the wedding, fuss over them, aye? k thanks x

Is it possible to actually to fall even more in love?.. when you're already stupidly high in the love potion?..
I actually think my heart goes crazy moreso everytime I see him & my head melts when he kisses me.. I swear it's not normal! haha - though it's a good thing, what with intending to marry eh? ;P

blah blah's.

Once I again I apologise!
I'm such a busy person what with becoming a wifey and mummy! (Yes this is highly exciting!)

I've been busy doing the wedding, tomorrow people, it's 3 WEEKS till the big day! I'm really looking forward to it, especially now the whole pictures coming together.. i'm more than sure it'll look gorgeous, just gotta let it actually happen now!
I know this probably sounds both ridiculous and totally understandable, but i'm actually terrified for walking down the aisle, and kinda SO grateful I have my father walking with me otherwise I think i'd die! Also, I really worry I might mess up my dress or fall over! I know they're probably the tiniest things ever to worry about in comparison, but still I do worry.. Just want it to be okay y'know?

I went for my 12th week scan on the 10th Sept - It was amazing, I had such a lovely time, and well cried. Haha, I was highly emotional and becoming a mum is scary, mainly for the fact you want to do your best to look after baby etc - but they said they're healthy, the heatbeat was strong and good for their age, and the normal lenght for their age, well they were a couple of cm's smaller than their time, but nothing to worry about! I doctor said there is nothing obviously wrong and they can find more out at the next scan - November 3rd. So yey for baby Beanie!

Also, Chris has decided he wants to leave the Raf, Which is also an amazing thing, and a huge sigh/relief! So no falklands! Woo! :-) So i'll have a perfect family unit now, so yey!

Oh and i've got the beginning of my hen night tonight!
And a special thought and love to my friend Louise - Having scares with her baby :'( been in and out of hospital alot recently.. all my love for you babes! X

happy times!

I'm not going to bang on about how busy i've been.. much! I have, once again failed to keep this up to date! I don't even think anyone reads it anymore haha but oh well.

I swore to myself that i was going to do my pregnancy book and i haven't written in it for like a month, which is awful.. (sorry diary!) and well obviously, yes i'm pregnant.. I haven't told hardly anyone, but eh not the world's business is it tbh? It's kinda scary to think that in March i'm going to be a mummy! I'm really excited and just want to do it right.. i'm only 9-10 weeks and well i've already got a bump.. which is terrifying, but i have to say i love the fact i have a bump :) mine and chris's bump :) i'm getting bigger.. but i'm told it's suppose to happen so yey!.. although i did get seriously depressed as my jeans didn't fit anymore :( but maternity stuff is much more comfy!
also on friday.. 6 weeks till i'm getting married.. yes, i know.. managed to organise the whole thing in like 2 weeks? it's sooo crazy.. but i'm incredibly happy :) get my perfect man and the baby i've wanted for years, on the way!

yes i know i'm boring.. thank-you

I'm sorry again people - i've had a hectic time recently! I've been on holiday for two weeks - ok not holiday holiday, but away whisked in a fairytale with mr perfect.

I had an amazing two weeks away from home, you don't realise how refreshed you feel until you have to come back, but I was so glad to get back, frankly I missed my bed! But it was lovely just chilling out, going on day trips and just being able to cuddle and kiss your partner without having to wait for him to come back (makes a difference! *hehehe!*)
aothough it was fairly relaxing I came down very ill.. nothing new but everyone kept fussing over me - and I hate being fussed over when i'm ill, i like to just hide in my bed and just sleep it away or moan like a troll in the bed by myself - though cuddles welcome!!
So really another week would've been rather nice..

Oh and my mum got really ill on holiday and well her being diabetic it didn't help at all cos she couldn't eat or drink so sugars was all over the place. So hospital she went too.. I tell you it was the worst state i've EVER seen my mum in.. I actually cried when I saw my step-dad putting her in the car, her skin was really dry and grey - due to dehydration and she couldn't barely speak to you and was finding it terribly hard to breath.. so them few hours was kinda scary! I'm a natural worrier and well i was like "imagine if she never came home, or never got better!" was horrific.. surprisingly i managed to put on a brave face and started ordering people around to do jobs (yeah can see i'm a mother in the making eh!?). Just really want to hope that never happens again! want happy mummies.. :-)
My life isn't actually that interesting.. I haven't done that much recently..

I was thinking only a couple of days ago just how much I miss the girls.. was thinking this time last year we were all in the walks laughing and hanging out nearly everyday or most of the week and this summer i think i may have seen them all together maybe once? I do feel so bad, especially when they're all uni and doing other stuff, and myself moving away.. but i hope we have at least one last session, just so we can have fun and say bye and give best wishes etc :-)
apart from that.. i'm boring.. x

It's like..

.. I need you. Right now. Like waiting for another couple of minutes isn't enough. I need you and want you here with me now. I want to cuddle and kiss you.

what's happened to everyone?

Like the title says - what's happened to everyone? It's like everyone i've known outside my family has disappeared.. (well besides Chris). I swear I haven't spoken to anyone else for months.. And I can't fully answer why that's happened. I'm still here, I have the same number and contact details. I still live in the same house, in the same street.. so what's been going on?

I mean yeah, i'm busy these days and got lots going on in my own world, but doesn't mean I can't have a chat to anyone else. Maybe this is why no-one has got in contact? Hmm, I don't know what's happened to be honest.
But saying that, i've got rid of a couple of people that i'm not hugely bothered about, and possibly having a better time due to it. But apart from that, oh well.. talk to people when I do, I suppose.

OMG I FORGOT ECLIPSE.

Yesterday, randomly I remembered, in the middle of the day that Eclipse was out in the cinema. How is it when you've been waiting for a day for ages, that you actually forget it? It's like getting stupidly excited for your birthday and totally forgetting the fact.. it is your birthday till the evening.

I feel like a terrible Twilight fan. Actually i'd go as far as saying I feel like i'm not a true fan at all. I don't get how I forgot. (Well actually I do, it's 'cos i've been busy with the moving and getting ready for stuff). Though saying that.. it's not an excuse, Oh and I can't say that i've heard anyone talk about the new film. Maybe, everyone forgot? Hehehehe!

take a look..

http://beyondthedreams-photo.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-mums-kitchen-project-2.html

This is a project i'm working on for my mum. Please look at the link above and follow the blog entry. If you're interested - please contact me on the information at the end of the entry.

Thank-you

I wish I never looked.

Do you ever have it where, when you see something you really like - actually it's perfect in almost every way, and you know you can't have it, that you know it wouldn't be financially possible.. it's not a practical idea. Yet you can't stop thinking about it. It keeps popping back in your head and heart.

To a point where you wish you never saw it, well it's kinda how i'm feeling.

as the time is moving on.

I have to say that I am actually pretty happy at the moment, it feels like everything is coming together snuggly and i'm loving every minute. I like having things to organise and sort out, even though i'm a terribly disorganised person - yeah, I don't know how it works either! And i'm having lots to sort out. Me and Chris have decided that we want to be together properly, so currently in a look to find our own place.. We have spent many hours talking about how we hate being apart and feeling like our time is up before it has started, so we're looking at places, and it's so exciting. Looking for a place to be with your other half and just knowing it's your little home that you can be together. I know it all seems a fairytale, but it's how i've always visioned it. Also we want to almost test run a married life and having our own responsibilities and means of dealing with our own stuff. I'm going to be going back north to near his base as he's said he wants to stay in the RAF. (to much of my disappointment.) but, I respect the fact he wants to, so come to a compromise where we can both deal with the situation. So that's really exciting, and can't wait for that to happen.. but going up there in the next week to have a look at a few places :)

Ooooh and today I was being a teeny bit naughty and tried a few wedding dresses on! Well it's not naughty, we've set a date and we're starting to plan it so it's alright.. it was such fun, I really enjoyed it, I could've spent all day doing it! Dresses look so beautiful.. and also the ones you don't expect to look good! There was some that I was thinking 'OMG. that looks strange.' tried it on and it was gorgeous. Oh and a message to wedding dresses manufactures - make them the right SIZE!! They don't have the dresses the right size.. it's like you need 4 sizes bigger than you actually are.. it's kinda ridiculous. you make people panic! seriously. You need to sort it out. Apart from that, i'm looking forward to organising my wedding! :)

*strange noises*

Eeeeek! Just found this new 'Design' button and it's amazing! Rather loving the editing changes that can be made.. think I may be using this more often.
Thought i'd just let you know.

I was having a little think..

Today I was having a think about how lucky I am and feel. In all my relationships i've ever had, I must admit I was always cautious about my disability. I got to a point where i'd almost hide it, just so that people didn't know and then wouldn't treat me differently. Although eventually they would learn that I did have hearing problems.. but hopefully then was the stage when it didn't have to matter anymore, when I had been accepted, and well.. liked. It's almost like, when I think they'd find out, that they would say 'oh.. okay..' and we'd soon split cos I wasn't what they had expected me to be like. I know that sounds terrible, but honestly, i've had a couple like that.
Though today I was thinking about how safe and happy I am to feel accepted in every possible way. I have a wonderful man that wants to be with me, and loves me no matter what, and I know he loves me. My disability has never put him off, and admittedly I did expect him to do the same as the other people. I know I shouldn't have rated him against the other people, because he's far from being anything like them, but I suppose you begin to expect a certain behaviour towards yourself and don't believe in anything else, but he was different.
Also he looks at me the same and talks the same as when he didn't know. I don't feel scared to have them on show around him or to worry if they whistle or make a strange noise. I feel comfortable to talk about them and other things with him. It's become nothing to worry about. He'll turn them off if i've accidentally left them switched on. He'll repeat things as many times as needed to hear what was said. He'll flip them back over my ear if they've fell off, and he'll hand them back to me once i've taken them out at night, in the morning.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that however worried you are about yourself (in any way), whatever you don't like about yourself, or feel self-conscious about.. there is going to be someone who will accept it and love you the way you are. So that one day, your worry is no worry.. and really, it makes you feel better in your own skin, and massively more confident. I've found that man, who doesn't think twice about them, and main priority is that i'm happy and okay.
To be honest i've found that, any man that will put you down for the things that bother you, aren't worth it.. and most certainly don't deserve you.

So really girls, there's proof, there is some decent guys out there! Start feeling better about yourself :)

it's a tumblr day..

"If I had one wish; it would be to have nothing to wish for."

As to what Chris said was,
"If I had one wish, it'd be to be happy, so therefore if I was unhappy, I could wish for something that would make me 'happy' like, 10 million pounds and then have it."

But I asked,
"Would it really make you happy though?"

"Well, I could certainly think of lots ot spend it on.. mainly you."

today..

Been reading someone's Tumblr and found a couple of quotes I really like.

"If a relationship has to be secret; you shouldn't be in it."

"All that truly matters in the end is that you loved."

"Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift."

_____________________________________

Yesterday, I went swimming and it really tired me out, but I had a really good time. Admittedly my arms did hurt on the way home and I was completely nackered and fell asleep on Chris's shoulder home, but eh.. it's been a long time.. think we'll keep up the idea of this fitness swimming for a while.

i've just got to say it.

Can I really please just say?
I LOVE the idea of living with you and being with you, once we're married.

random nattering

Well I firstly want to say how very sorry I am for the lack of posting. I have no clue who actually reads this, but if you are a person who do look on here often will see i've been terrible for providing you with stuff to read!

I suppose i'm going to tell you a bit of why I haven't been online as much. I have actually been busy, I know it's kinda shocking! Also, I think it has to be said, that I think i'm finally getting a life outside of the computer, many people will laugh at that, but it's the honest truth. I just am not that bothered about being online. Also when i'm online, i'm a facebooker and a twitterer. So really you can catch me on there.
I have got back into painting and drawing, and especially at the moment, i've kinda gone crazy over strawberries! I'm painting, photographing them and drawing them.. oh and not to mention, nibbling them too! I'm enjoying doing my arty stuff again, and yes, I know I left Uni because I didn't want to anymore. But, I don't know, i'm feeling inspired again.. also its not for a purpose, so that makes it less pressurised to come up with explanations.
I've knicked my dads' camera, the 'big one' as I call it. I love this camera, and I do wonder why I never exactly kept it, 'cos it is actually a great camera, although the lens is completely f**ked. Ok, not a broken in shatters type, just it's taking a long time to focus on something substantial, but saying that, i've got some amazing shots from it! (Just means you have to do more 'manual' work!). So really, if he got a new lens, it'd be amazing again! But.. lens costs lots of money. Dammit.

Oh, and I saw Leona Lewis! Yes, I really did. She's sooooo amazing! Seriously, I had goosebumps everywhere from it, and it was a great show, she's a great dancer, and has a breathtaking voice! Yes, she's everything to be envious of.. although what makes it worse, is the fact she's so friendly. Not that i'm THAT bothered.. haha, not really. I saw her with my sister and had a day trip to London. It was really fun :) I wanna go back again! It was immense. Oh and naturally she left the best song to last. RUN! yes. I was singing and cheering, oh and obviously dancing! It was a happy day..

I've been having loads of dreams recently. It's scary how many, and how many I actually remember! They say you dream most of the time.. but usually you never notice. I've had many, and well i've taken to writing them down as they'll be interesting. Saying that.. i'm writing most of my things down these days.

Oh, what's the hype about the world cup? Why does everyone go mad when it's on? It's only football *hides from items to be chucked my way* but seriously.. it really is. I'm grateful i'm with someone who doesn't really give a toss about it, that much to be obsessed, or offended by the comments and rants I seem to be giving out! I don't really understand how it's such a massive thing, and how people seem to act like it's the end of the world if we don't win. Seriously, we're not going to win the world cup. I'll almost bet on it, only I don't really care enough to do that. But eh, carry on England!

Oh and a special, special conglatulations to my friend Lilii for giving birth to baby Leo on the 20th June. I wish you all the luck and hope everything goes well for you, you deserve it! (yes i'm feeling broody!!)
And also, a fingers crossed and love to my two friends who have bumps - Louise and Becki! Hope everything's going well for you two aswell. Love you all!

Saving the best for last, (it's a great way to end something!) my darling Christopher James :)
I'd like to say, it's our anniversary 6 month mark tomorrow, and i'm so happy. Not because it's our anniversary, but the fact we're still so in love and talk exactly the same as from the first week of our relationship. It's gone so quick, yet I can't believe it's already half a year since we've been together! So i'll probably do some writing about it tomorrow, possibly.. (don't hold your horses over it!)
He was away on a course, for two weeks near enough and for one of them weeks he was unable to have any contact with me, or anyone else via his phone. He was away for 4 days, and it was a complete nightmare. I missed him so much, it was like they'd taken my best friend away and replaced him with a brick wall. It didn't feel right not being able to talk to him, but, really it's like, I haven't gone a day without talking to him since the night we met which is new years till that day. my nights weren't the same. I love being able to chat and talk to you about everything i've done all day and natter about nonsense and random things.
But he's home this weekend! So that's great and we're planning on going swimming :) simply because I wanna shape up! woo!
Oh and we have some news, we've set a first draft of a date for the wedding!! :D it's planning to be after he comes back from the falklands, so 1st October 2011. Although, obviously we haven't checked with churches etc, so the date may move around! Just thought i'd mention all this.
Hope you're all doing well!
Love x

A Letter to You

I firstly would like to apologise for the fact, that recently I haven't been posting nearly as much as I normally do, it's just i've been really busy and haven't been online as often as I have done in the past. I do write a fair bit, but most of it becomes half written and then gets left. Here's my latest piece.

Dear You,
Many people may read this, but also many people won’t truly understand this as you would. I’m having a moment where I’m feeling too much and no where to project this. I really dislike it when I feel like this, it’s horrible, but when I have it on my mind, I have to say it otherwise it keeps turning around in my mind.
I don’t like people telling me that I’ll get used to this and will soon get to like the idea, because I’d like to say now, I don’t want to get used to it, and can never imagine getting used to it. I can’t really see why anyone would want to. I do understand how some people like their own time and getting on with their business with friends, getting used to a routine. I get all that, but I don’t think like that. I’m not saying I don’t like seeing friends, or going out for the day doing something separate but just saying that I don’t ever think ‘oh good, he’s gone, now I can get on with what I like’. In my view that isn’t what love is, and well it seems sort of selfish. Personally I’d be worried if I ever thought that of you, because in all honesty, I wouldn’t ever want you to go away. It’s like the other day when you were here, we were both together in the sense of the same room and next to each other, but we got on with two different things. I was drawing and painting whilst you were playing on a game on your laptop and we were both listening to music and watching the latest episode of Doctor Who. I never found that a problem, we barely spoke, but both happy to get on with our own thing. So saying that, I can’t see why people still would want to. I know I’m going to contradict myself here by saying; that I suppose I am starting to get used to it. I know that I won’t see you for a week to ten days at a time, not that it makes it easier, but I then know it’s going to happen. I find a place within myself to learn to cope with it, as you know I hate it when you leave. It upsets me and I don’t like knowing I can’t cuddle you, or come find you when I’d like to.

I’ve come to a time where I’ve decided making a fuss about things doesn’t automatically make things happen the way I want them to. So in a way I keep trying, mentally to keep strong, to appear unfazed. When actually it doesn’t work when everyone around me who knows me, knows what I’m thinking and feeling anyway. I suppose it makes it easier for me to think I’m doing the right thing in coping.
Yesterday I met up with Els, and I told her that in all the time we’ve known each other, since the night we met, we haven’t had one night where we haven’t spoken. It’s rather amazing, and as she looked fairly shocked, and said it was rather romantic how we haven’t. In that moment my heart sunk. In the nearly 6 months we’ve been together, we haven’t spent one day not without a word between us. I tried to get off the topic and to just talk about anything else, but about you. Not because I don’t love telling people about you, but just the fact I think I would’ve cried right at the moment. That wouldn’t look so great on my trying to stay strong mask, eh? I know this will seem stupid, but the more I write and read this, the more I feel I’m making a show of myself. It’s like half of me is telling me to stop writing, whilst the others saying I need to carry on; luckily that part is my heart. I’ve heard that’s a good reason to carry on with something.

I’m feeling a bit lost. It’s like when two people that are really close, the best of friends, known each other since they were really young, shared all their secrets and know what make one another tick, then one of the goes on holiday for a week or moves to another location. Ok, it’s not really the same, but I’m feeling how they would be. I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do, what to say, but I know I need to be doing something, but it then ends doing pointless stuff. Why does love make you feel like that?
I know it’s only four days and really it’s hardly a long time. It’s just I’ve been keeping myself busy and meeting up with people, doing chores and other things, but, it’s still only Tuesday. It’s taking forever. I’m trying not to think about you and everything related to us. But I wear the ring and when I think I’m getting on with something, I brush it against someone, take it off to have a shower or to do a mucky chore. It all then comes back to me just how much I’m missing you.

I’m going to say this part as honestly as I can. You’ll be able to visualise it well. I had just changed into my pyjamas, as I was about to go to bed. I came downstairs to get a drink; I put ice in a glass and a straw. Went to the fridge and got the cherryade out and filled the glass.
Mum was in the kitchen too and the dishwasher beeped and she began unloading the machine. Evie was sitting on the chair so I started talking and fussing over her, in the background mum was nattering about something, but I remember something reminding me of you. All of a sudden a felt like I wanted to cry. I had noticed I haven’t since you’ve left, not like I normally do. It was as if I had locked that part of my emotions away, purposefully. I sat there trying to hold it all in, but I felt so empty and like my body was filling up with water. Suffering with a lump in my throat. It was only because mum was looking away and talking that I managed to keep it semi together. She then said “I think I’m going to go to bed when I’ve done this”, then I managed to quickly agree, then went to go upstairs. Before I could get half way up, my eyes were burning and a couple of tears were running down my face. I walked into my room and shut the door and I couldn’t no longer keep it together. I just kept crying, because all I wanted right then was a cuddle from you, I wanted you. It was the only thing that was going to stop what I was feeling, the tears and my empty feeling. I only wanted my Chris.
I got into bed, and turn the light off straight away and sobbed whilst hugging CJ bear, but the more I hugged, the more I wanted you and the more I cried. It was a vicious circle. I honestly wondered how I was going to sleep that night, how I was going to settle and visit the land of sleep, it was feeling like it may be impossible. You know how the scent of your perfume was fading? Well it was like much stronger, I don’t know if it was just because I wanted you there so much that all of me was grasping onto the smallest smell just to have you with me. To remember you. After crying I always feel so much better, it’s like I’ve dropped everything out onto the surface. I don’t remember anything more after that time, apart from thinking I’m going to have to write something about it all. I was forming sentences in my head and paragraphs, ideas about how to start and end it. I laid there for ages, just with my head on your would be pillow, wishing you’d just come back there. I think I eventually went to sleep.

York with Chris

For our engagement present we got a couple of days away to York including; hotel room and spending money! Our trip was on the 24th-26th May. We had a lovely time and really enjoyed ourselves, so much we think we're going back to York again! It's massive and beautiful.. Quoting from Chris himself "there's so much to take in".

We went to York Minister - which is huge! The artitecture was gorgeous, I got sucked into taking lots of pictures here! Oh and got hauled into walking up to the tower.. yeah was fine (!).. only 2000 steps! (yeah was a struggle towards the end!)

Also a ghost walk - was entertaining, although both me and Chris agreed the man leading the walk was sooo creepy! Maybe he was a ghost himself? We walked around most of York and was listening to ghost stories, I enjoyed it. Once we got told we have to hold hands or link arms with someone we love or else a ghost was going to get us and we'd have bad luck.. not that was going to be a problem with us..

York Dungeon - was hilarious and scary! Chris and this other woman got called up for practically everything, it was so funny! The torture room with the chapper chopper! (LOL) and being summoned in court for wearing a pink dress and pink lipstick and luring men into the aisle for wicked buisness only to knick their money.. having the plague.

Half Asleep

I’m laying there half awake. I always remember this, as I always think about it before I sleep the first night, again without you. I always lay there half empty. Always on the verge of tears. My stomachs lying on the floor and I feel sad. Really very sad.

I know what I want, but I can’t have it. I’m not very good at this game. I’ve always been great at getting my way, turning tables to suit, and finding a way to make them things happen. Now, it’s all out of my power. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad? But I don’t like it at all. I lay awake cursing myself, the situation because it’s not what I want. I don’t want to be alone here, now, in this bed, all by myself. I don’t want it.

I remember what I want. I don’t honestly think I ask for much. You’d be the one to know that for what it is. I’m half asleep, all by myself and thinking about what I’m wanting.

quotee.

'It's a partnership of equals.'

'Splots.'

my favourite people!

When I first found this picture, I grinned from ear to ear. I really love it. IT was taken at mine and Chris's engagement party. The most special thing about the picture is that it's been taken with two of the most amazing people I have the fortune to know in this whole world. One on the left is, Chris and on the right my mum. I love both of these, with all of my heart. They are the ones I can 100% rely on to be there, to give advice, and love and care for me. Over these last few months both of these have become my best friends and campanions. I honestly don't know where i'd be without either of these :) thank-you!

& @elllbelll for taking the image!

have you ever..

.. had something on your mind, and you want to write it down somewhere, or say it out loud.. but have no idea how to or exactly what it is you need/want to say? Where you feel completely frustrated and tired of feeling like it.. wanting to sort it out, but actually the truth is, you can't actually be bothered to do anything?
If your answer is yes, well I have sympathy for you, 'cos I feel the exact same right at this moment.

4 Months

Today we've been going out for 4 months and engaged a month and 2 days :)
I love you soo much! I get really excited when it's one of our anniversaries! Even when they aren't proper ones, well I suppose they are really. You get what I mean!
These have honestly been the happiest months of my life, my dreams have really come true.. and it's all thanks to you.
My hearts completely yours, here, now and forever.
x

Engagement Party

Our engagement party.

It was a lovely night, had a meal with immediate family and really close friends. I really enjoyed myself. A start to a perfect life. I have you. I get to keep you. I rather love it all.

First Love

Only the other day I was listening to the radio. A topic that I take great curiosity came up, ‘love’. They were talking about how love really changes your life. Your first love takes priority in this massive change. A first love, mainly transforms everything, your whole life takes a twist. Priorities of the heart completely turn upside down. All emotions felt 10x stronger than anything else you’ll experience. It confuses everything you’ve ever known, and changes your perspective on everything in the future. You’re never really able to run away from the fact you’re in love. You’ll always remember that one person you completely fell for. You won’t ever forget that moment, saying to yourself ‘I’ve fallen, completely and utterly in love with this person’. All the times they got stuck in your head, the hours of daydreaming and hoping.

Unless you stayed with your first love, it always kind of ends badly. Even if you don’t plan it too, it will because them emotions and thoughts are new, and won’t have the experience of how to deal with them. It will never work.

(L)

'Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Loosing someone hurts. Everyone confuse these things with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.'

I found this quote, and simply fell in love with it. It's so true. But we don't see it, when we're in pain. When we're in 'love' with someone.

Quote#'

'Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love..'

Oh, you're a one!

You do make me laugh. So much.
It's not that you've said anything particularly funny. Just the way you imply things. Things that you don't normally say or do. You amuse me in ways you don't even know!

You're claiming you're nearly drunk, getting past the point. Yet your texts are perfectly written.. It's not that I don't believe you, just the idea honestly amuses me.
You're claiming you're going out for a night on the town, with the 'lads'. It's just the way you say it, I know how you speak of things. I can imagine you standing in front of me saying it, and with me bursting out laughing. Then you follow on, knowing how hilarious it really sounds.
You just make me laugh, my love.

I love how you say you're going out and you're busy, yet text me nearly all night straight, just the same as any other night. How you mention that you're sorry if you don't text me back, cos you're out, but you're texting me like you're doing nothing? You do make me smile.
It's completely fine for you to go out, I tell you to enjoy yourself and have fun; but just as much as me, you don't really want to go and not text, because it seems weird to not be. I know exactly how you feel, my love.
I honestly love you.

the way I feel,

I crave for you to come back. I miss your smell, I miss your touch, I miss your voice, your stuff on my floor.. I miss you.
So now I cry, and tomorrow the pretending begins once again.

Pretending

I've been feeling like doing some Creative Writing, here is a random starting. (the next few posts may be the same.)

In that split second, I change my face, revealing a mask. I watch you leave, knowing you’re going once again. I have to pretend I’m alright, I have to turn around and walk away, pretending. Pretending its fine, I’m ok.
The only thing that makes it bearable is knowing you’re going to be coming back – back to me. Coming back one day, for forever and a day.

My Engagement Ring

This is my Engagement Ring :)

Sorry it's taken a while to get the pictures up!

quote;

'There's a breath i'm missing, when you're not here..'

the truth.

It never gets easier. It never goes away. I always feel the same, every time. I don't like it.
Neither of us do.

I do wish you didn't have to go.


Oh well, there's no use moaning.
At least it's my birthday, and our engagement party next week! I'll get to see you then, and get to be with you :) so, like you say, there is always something for us to look forward too.

SERIOUSLY!

Ok this is going to be a rant.
seriously, how long does it take to decide you're coming or not? can't you simply check on if you're doing something that day and say a simple yes or no..? why do people find it sooo difficult!? surely you can check a calendar, diary.. your brain, and see? I only need to know a yes or a no, because if you don't, i have to pay for them people that never told me! I'm not made of money.. so I do need to know!
I hate feeling like I have to nag. I don't want to get stressy with people, I simply just want an answer so I can book and get it over and done with. I just want a evening out with my fiancé, family and close friends.. is that so difficult to ask for? I actually want to enjoy it. I don't want to get annoyed and eventually cross people off a list, I want you ALL there, but only if you're going to co-operate with me.. so please, will you simply help me, and state, a yes or a no?

Do you ever..

feel like you're having to make a choice? Something where you don't know what to choose? Knowing what you want, and what others would want?.. Ever get to a point where things will rapidly burst if you don't do something about it?

I'm starting to feel like this. It's like i'm not really all there anymore. It is technically going to be my fault, but in all fairness, it does and doesn't bother me. I'll just keep holding on and see which way I can make it go. I love them all.
Just don't ever make me choose, please.

The One..

The one that I want to wake up with everyday,
The one whos giggle makes me warm inside,
The one who knows exactly what 'you know what I mean' means,
The one that makes me smile for no reason,
The one that laughs at my blonde moments,
The one that just by being in the room makes me unbelievably happy,
The one where when he's gone, the worlds gone cold,
The one I miss after seconds of being apart,
The one that loves me for being me,
The one that I can be completely myself around,
The one that I want to spend my life with,
The one that wants to be with me as much as I, them.

too excited!

12th post. It's definitely for something special. I'll always look on this page and realise this post is that post. The one post, the day after my life had completely changed for the good. I really want to write it, but I can't and will be told off for writing it anywhere public until the following weekend. I want to tell people, but I can't.
I'm so excited.
I'm so happy!
Just oh my god!


I love you Christopher James!

11 posts.

So far this year, each month i've written 11 posts. I'm starting to feel like i'm restricted to only 11 posts. Or that i'll be a disappointment if I don't get the 11 posts. Even if that means I have to write pointless posts like this to explain the situation.
I hope I can get back to some decent posting next month! (thanks to all that read my posts!)

what do i do?

What do you do? When you can feel something.. something that's beyond your control. Something that is actually your fault. Something that actually scares the s**t out of you, and you don't know what to do?.. who to talk to?
What the f**k do you do?

'Cos i need to know. I'm scared and don't know what to do about it. I'm so stupid.

because i'm going to be immature.

i'll be immature and play the same game. I really don't want to do this like this. But fair does it.
Look, you asked me to be honest.
I was honest.
I said something you didn't like. (btw you do this all the time).
So technically, if anything it should even us up.
I told you how i felt because you simply asked. I'm sorry if the truth wasn't something you wanted to hear.

Just stop the posting now yeah?

that's the reason for a notebook..

I thought of two posts to write last night, just before I fell asleep. They were going to be very pleasant. I’m not sure what they were, now, as I sit here. Then I think, that’s exactly what I brought my notebook for, I guess, I simply couldn’t be bothered to scribble them down. Step out of bed. Into the cold, just to write two little things down. I do get annoyed with myself. I always think I’ll remember them as I repeat them in my head several time at the time, then I sleep. Wake up. And I’ve forgotten. I must change that, maybe I’ll move my notebook next to my bed, with a pen.. yes, a pen would be a start. I’ll do that next time.

quote-age.

"Words don't explain emotions properly"


FACT.

wow..

..now i know who i can't clearly trust anymore! thanks for that.

today..

is my mums and step-dads wedding anniversary :)
they've been married 14 years, and I think it's amazing - you can tell they love one another.
*raise imaginary glass up* to 14 more!

long time no speak

There become times when you're close, then not so close. Changes. No-one likes changes, unless it's going to be for the best, or seeming that way at least..
I haven't spoken to you in a long time. It seems hard work to talk to you, I wonder what I can share with you, because you share nothing with me. I thought we were close? Suppose it's all changing.
I wonder if it's me that's changed, but actually it's you. I feel the same, do the same as I always did. Just you judge and shout before you really know. I'm sorry, but the world don't evolve around you, other people have the right to do their own things, in their life. I ask for a friend, I want a friend not a lecturer. That's the role you seem to want to play in people's life.

A Life Of Changes

We all have a different perception to what 'the perfect relationship' is. Even being in the perfect relationship, we should still question our feelings, the love between you and the other person. It's just to make sure things are stable for certain, see if it really could work, rather than a life of dreaming and hoping. Why should you come out of the dream?

I know it's probably what I should do, I should be questioning if this is really right, but i'm not. It feels so right, to be like this. I don't think i've felt this way about anyone else, I know how I feel, and I know we do have the perfect relationship.

When you're single, the things that you think of, never normally come true, yet here and now, it's all happening. It's like the dream you dreamt up when you were 8, and at the age of reading about Prince Charming. Only this isn't a dream. It's the person who wants to be with you, as much as you do them.

It all changes very quickly, your life changes quicker than you ever imagine, yet it seems a normal pace, but you know it's not. Yet, you don't seem to bothered by this. This, afterall the person you want to be with, the person I want to be with. It's all still like a dream, like the stories of the other half, your soulmate, the perfect setting, the connection.. I like to think I have that.

My life is changing, it's forever changing. It won't stop, there is nothing you or I can do about it. You'll know when it's right for you. You can plan the changes, knowing it's what you want to do. I know it's going to carry on, but i'm looking forward to seeing where it'll take me, hopefully all the way.. with you.

yahoo email..

My Personal Email;
I have a new address for personal emails.. My hotmail one works and is fine, but it's more of a junk inbox, if you want to catch me quick, you'd be better to catch me on my yahoo :)

email : beyondthedreams@ymail.com

love you all! x

I find it strange..

..I'm not sure if it's me that's strange, or other people.
I just end up thinking 'Ok.. that's weird.. I couldn't do that myself, what's the point in that?'

I don't see how you can be ok with distance when you're in love. Yes, you try and carry on, but nothing feels right. I know people who admit to not seeing their partners for three weeks at a time, and that they're in love. Also, they live up the road.. I don't understand it. If you love someone, surely you want to be with them? Every moment is hard to carry on, like you're empty. Your thought processes are slower and feel lost.

Is this just me? Maybe it is, maybe it's not.

I have an idea!

..indeed I do.
I'm thinking of a new project - it'll be video based. I'm thinking i'll ask people the question of the day and record them, thinking, and speaking their view. I will do this for at least a month, just to be curious.. we'll see where it may be taken.

A list of my favourite songs #2

..cont.

Always - Bon Jovi
Love Story - Taylor Swift
Vanilla Twilight - Owl City
Invincible - Muse

25Feb.

everything changes..

It was an ordinary night, I with the girls, drinking. I was sat in my friends room drinking and giggling about nothing; a normal time with the girls then. Only a couple of weeks before, I was probably one of the most miserable people on this planet. I was feeling lost. I was heartbroken, and had been for the last two years previous, yet, tonight was about finally getting mended and starting a new year, on a fresh slate. I never intended on finding anyone that night, in all, if anyone had told me that I could’ve, I honestly think I’d have stayed cleared. I was still fragile.

I was laughing about nothing, throwing things around and taking pointless pictures of my friends. I actually felt happy again and had a spark of hope in my heart. It was all going to be alright, I don’t need to worry anymore, I will find my way again. Although this night was working out just nicely, it took a lot of encouragement to get to this stage.

Two of us didn’t really want to go, but after some nagging and realising, it might not be so bad after all, we gave up and decided to tag along.
There was one name that stood out to me before I knew there was a party, and it was his name. I laughed and joked with the girls about this name, because it was unusual and I’m a sucker for anything slightly unusual, I just find it interesting and mysterious.

I was in the party mood after a couple of drinks and hours of mucking around, so I started getting ready, dancing in front of the mirror and singing badly out loud. For the first time, in a long time, I didn’t care about anything; I just wanted to have a good time.

Before leaving the house we all wrote a list of things we wanted to complete by the end of 2010. I remember this so clearly because, all three of us were in silent, and began being really serious about it. It was hard to think of things, but I remember the first one ‘completely get over Josh’ – this was my main goal. Although I felt on the way of being over him, I knew it wasn’t right to feel the way I did about him anymore. I ideally wanted to be single and happy, but not everything works the way you plan.

I was going to a house party with two of my best friends. Nothing could be more fun really, we’re all fairly confident and a bundle of giggles when we’re together, so it was going to be a great night wherever we were. Arriving was no problems; I had been drinking and was feeling hyper and silly, so the perfect beginning. I know when I’ve been drinking I don’t get shy; I just talk, and lots of it, to whoever.

So topping up drinks and taking shots was comfortable. I and a friend sat chatting whilst watching the others play card games, we were just being silly and talking about nonsense, like we often do. I remember standing in the kitchen trying some new drinks out and by that time feeling rather tipsy, but it was all still fun.

Then he came in and was talking about a drunken night with my friend in a club, I found it was a funny tale, but mostly the way he was saying it. He was a character, I already figured that one out, and he was friendly and genuine. Yes, this sudden interest in what he was doing and saying surprised me. I then turned round to my friend and asked her what his name was and she said the word I was hoping for (in a strange way).

‘Goose’.

I couldn’t help but smile when this word slipped from her lips, I had instantly found him interesting, remembering all the jokes I shared about him with my friends, I felt guilty for the mocking, but it made me feel automatically closer to him, as if I’ve already known him.

The rest of the night carried on, I sang and danced without a care in the world and it felt great. I never really thought more of him that night, I was thinking about my friend, who was getting very drunk at the time. I decided I would be the one to look after her and care about what she’s doing. She was a handful, but I love her so I would do what’s right by her, besides I was still having fun!

It came to midnight and we were all still dancing in the front room, didn’t do the massive countdown, everyone mainly was passing out and doing their own thing. I remember everyone piling out the room to watch the fireworks in the garden, I stood with a friend and we started talking and he joined in. I couldn’t help but secretly look at him. He seemed really nice. He began waffling about the different parts of the area, nothing actually interesting, but he made it interesting by the way he spoke of it.
I decided I needed to get a grip; I’m hardly in a state to start thinking like that about someone. So I left it, I didn’t really speak to him, yet I couldn’t help but feel curious about him, the way he laughed and spoke to others. There was something about him, but what was it?

I went home with the girls and we laughed, walked a few miles but got home perfectly fine, I was completely sober and I really enjoyed the evening and didn’t really want it to end, but it was going to have to.

The next day I went home and logged online as normal. I instantly got ambushed by my friend asking what I thought of him. I was surprised, and curious as to why she was interested in what I thought of him. Naturally I went ‘I don’t know him but he seemed a decent guy’. What else did she expect me to say? That I found him interesting and has a face of a thousand unheard of tales that I wanted to know, that he was one person I had found recently who could hold a decent conversation, oh and that I actually really liked him from that first few moments?

No, that would just be stupid to admit to.

Then came the real unexpected ‘He told Dave that he likes you, like, like, likes you’. Stupidly I was like ‘What, as in like like?’ I never know why I replied with that, but I’m guessing it was because I wasn’t expecting her to say something like that. But I liked it. I liked it very much. I remember grinning and thinking, ‘but, how could he? He barely spoke to me, I never saw him look at me once! Why would he me? He was interesting, I’m not’ but, despite all that, I was glad. Someone actually liked me. Of course I never thought much more of it, or thought it would go any further than that. I didn’t even think I’d hear his name again.

But from that day on, it was the only name I got to hear. I got given his number and told to text him. ‘But I don’t know the guy’ I thought, ‘He’ll just think I’m weird if I randomly text him, or maybe a stalker that found his number out, or maybe he’d think I’d forced it out of my friend’. I just texted him in the end. He texted back very quickly, this was surprising. His texts were just as interesting as him in person. This I didn’t expect.

We texted all night from that moment, but he said he had to go to sleep as he had to get up early the next day. I found myself frowning to this, I found myself not wanting him to leave. I wanted to talk to him. He said he’d text again soon. I was already waiting.

He texted again, exactly like he said. All day I found myself waiting to hear from him. It was all bizarre, how can I find someone so interesting when I’ve met them once and barely spoke to them? ‘Am I crazy?’ I thought to myself, ‘Do I need to just get on with something? Get a life?’ But I wanted to hear from him nonetheless.

As soon as he texted, the world wasn’t anything to be interested in. I was talking to this stranger I barely know. I wanted to talk to him, so much. Yes, I am crazy aren’t I?

It continued for a whole week, and I was getting sucked in by him, he was the one making my day and hearing his voice made me sleepy, I just wanted to know things, anything, I wanted to figure him out, I wanted to be surprised by him, listen to the way he thinks. I enjoyed hearing from him and found that we even had things in common.

It was progressing very fast, and I never wanted him to leave. The first time I met him, I was so excited, just to see him alone this time. Ok, I was terribly nervous and worried that it might not go as well as we hoped, but it went really well. I grew attached to him very quickly and got used to having him around the place and found that everywhere felt empty when he left. I wanted him to come back and never leave. I still think that.

Everything kept speeding up, everything carried on into a whirlwind, the one that still stands.

My life had turned into a whirlwind. I now understand love again, I knew there was a reason I spoke of it in a positive way. I knew deep down it was still the best feeling anyone could experience, I just lost that judgement. I forgot how powerful it was, how perfect it could be, simply because I didn’t have it, until now. And hopefully, till the end.

Do you ever..?

Do you ever have days when you feel like you're in a dream? A dream where nothing makes complete sense, yet makes perfect sense? Like you know you're here, yet don't feel completely rooted as normal? As if you need to hit the ground and wake up..

I'm listening, but i'm not hearing the words, just the sounds, so, yes I need to wake up. There's nothing wrong, at all, just my mind has drifted to another place. A place where dreams, may come true.

When I wake from that dream i'll hit reality and know it's not possible to have all my dreams come true, but you learn that, some of your dreams already have, they're just treasures you hardly notice. But you'll come back down to earth again soon girl..

kinda funny

I find it kinda funny how, it seems everyone reads my posts on blog, yet.. no-one ever comments on them... so if you read this, would you write something? you can do this, even if no account of a blog.. the drop down list provides options..
I just find it curious when people go 'i've read your blog..' and it's like... 'ok.. which post..?' as i do many random ones..

..only you will understand this one..

I started a story, it began with the name ‘Too Good to be True’ and this was right. I still sometimes daydream of them easy days without any worries, but then, really, towards the end it did turn into a worry. So today, it doesn’t really matter about the date, but today, I read what I had started on that story, and it just didn’t seem right to carry on with it anymore. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve abandoned it for a long time to pursue other writing, or that the story didn’t fit the same way it used to. None the less, I know I practically promised to write the story we once shared.
It’s not a good-bye and far from it, there is no time for a good-bye and no words really worthy of what we went through and the things that we learnt from one another. It was a beautiful friendship, and will always be one I couldn’t possibly forget in anyway shape or form, nor would I want to forget it. I loved you, and I still love you, and actually, honestly always will, I’m not scared to admit that, nor wanting to deny the fact that I do or will. I’m no longer scared to say it, or tell people. Ok, it might not be the same love as I spoke of only a few months ago, but I’m set free. Free in the sense, that I now know it was the wrong type of love, it wasn’t a good or healthy love. In fact, it actually made me miserable internally. It never was your intention, and most certainly never was your fault, nor was it mine, but it happened, therefore making everything fail. Even after all that, I don’t ever wish that we never met, would it have made both of our lives easier, yes? Certainly; but, knowing you taught me so much, that I probably never would’ve experienced, if not meeting you. I wouldn’t be the person I am if I had never met you. So for that, I’m grateful we managed to become best friends and did all that we did.
I originally was going to make a story of all the events and going through from the moment we met to the present day, but, really, do we need that story to be written? We both know the story quite clearly. A story with many happy times, and a few sad memories, but a story none-the-less, but, maybe one day I will continue it through. It after all was an astounding tale. Just for the moment, I think it’ll be one that’ll stay unwritten..

you talk

... of a future, of us, a life where it involves us being together. I can say, that its the best thought you could ever plant into my head. I like the stuff you talk..

before you've gone..

No matter how much time you have to think it over, it doesn’t seem to get easier.. I don’t think it will either.. There will be a time when I’ll try and forget it, but, it’ll still linger subconsciously in the back of my mind. I know I’ll have to get used to it, move along with it and manage it somehow, but I don’t know how to, at the moment, stand the thought of loosing you. Knowing in 12 months from now, I won’t see your face for 4 months. It’s an unbearable thought, and strangely, I’m missing you before you’ve left.
How will I cope? How will I manage to get on with the bores of everyday life? Ok, I’ll get a phone call and messages from you, but, it really won’t be the same. I won’t get to touch your skin, laugh with you and watch you pull the cutest of faces or be able to get close to you, feel your breath, feel your lips on mine. I will miss it all too much, but I know you have to leave. I know you must do your duty. Doesn’t mean I like it though, doesn’t mean you like it either, neither of us do, but it’ll put our love to the test, I suppose if nothing else. I’ll only loose you to have you back again, and that time, forever more. I know you won't 'leave' me in that sense, but physically leave me alone for what will feel like an eternity. The only thing that’s helping me at the moment is the knowing you’ll be off work for a month and therefore I’ll get to see you for the majority of that time off but.. I just don’t want to you go. I know I sound selfish, probably, but, I don't like having to wait when it comes to you, I don't like waiting to see you, or hear from you. I already know what it'll be like once you go, everything will become a blur.. although everything else will continue and so will my life, because time doesn't stop for anyone, not even for me and you, we both know that as time whizzes past us. Nothing will make sense, apart from my love for you, that won't change over time, I promise.
I know it’s so far in the future, but I know it’ll come around like its tomorrow. All I can do, is wait for your return.. before you’ve gone.

I love you

I miss you. I want to cry cos you're not with me. I miss you so much, it does, actually hurt. I know we laughed at this, but its actually the truth now. Sitting here, missing you. Needing you. Everything feels empty without you, literally, and I hardly know how to place myself. As you leave you leave your smell amongst my sheets, the memory of your arms around me and telling me that you love me.
I love you so much, that the world feels just perfect when you're laughing and being silly with me. I want us to be like this forever and ever.. I said I don't want anyone else, and it's true, no-one holds interest over me like you, i've fallen completely and utterly in love with you. You mean everything to me, and love the time we spend together, it's so natural. Looking into your amazing deep blue eyes and stroaking your face.. love the silly faces you make, and the animal expressions and how you go 'i've just thought of something random..', the way you look when you're thinking or concentrating on something, the sound of your giggle and how you look in my eyes and go 'what you thinking about?', how you quote programmes, how you randomly sing quietly in my ear.. how when we're holding hands and every nown and then you'll squeeze it a little harder and stroak my fingers as we're walking, how you completely igore the fact i'm trying to knick your glasses constantly, how when you yawn your arm shakes a tiny bit, how you talk about the future, how you talk about what you feel about me and other things.. how you know exactly how to guilt trip me, how you always text me saying you love and miss me, the smile you give when you first meet me, the grin you have when you can't lie, the patronising tone you take out on me sometimes, and sit there then giggling at me how i'm like 'omg!', the tight hug you give me just when i've just got into bed, how when i'm cold you try warming me up, how you look at me, and know what i'm about to say, how we're so alike, how we both know one of us wants a kiss, the way you smile at me when we're cuddling, the silly games and pranks we pull on one another, the way you laugh when I say 'ya mum!', how you text me everyday saying you miss and love me and make me feel so special. You are my one, I love you so much.
Missing you, till I see you again, Christopher James Reynolds x

It Fascinates Me..

I always find it funny, how people suddenly get stroppy with you, once you're so happy. It's like, when you're unhappy and miserable, people, especially friends are all 'cheer up' and 'you'll find someone and it'll all be ok' so on.. but at the time you need your friends, you rely on them, and call on them for help. Surely we all do that? Needing your friends when you're unhappy, right? So.. do you still need them when you're happy? Ok, I'm not saying that in a 'never talk to you until it all goes crap again!..' of course not. But, your friends are meant to be there all the time. So, why the second you, find someone.. and this is after months of them telling you to brighten up.. are they the first ones to get in a mood with you? They, surely, are meant to be your friends..? And love you, and are there for you, through the highs and lows of your life, yeah? So, why do they suddenly say things like 'you don't even care anymore' or 'everything's about him now' - when, it really isn't the fact at all. Friends mean alot, and they always will. It's ridiculous to suddenly think I wouldn't love or care about them anymore.. just, I have someone else also in my life, it's called having to share someone, it's not like i don't talk to you anymore, or anyone besides him anymore is it? Why can't you just let me be happy? I'm happy. If you were a friend you wouldn't try and ruin it. I'm sorry, it sounds bitchy. But i've kinda had enough.
What also annoys me, is that people said I shouldn't be a push over, and to stand up to people.. and be firm and do what makes me happy, instead of trying to please other people! Yet.. you're being funny with me for doing what makes me happy?.. ok, someone needs to sort themselves out. Then, come to me when you've decided exactly how you want me, yeah?

I would've..

If anyone had told me that i'd find someone so perfect as you, only two months ago - I would've laughed only too hard in their face.
Not to be unkind, but simply 'cos I wouldn't believe them, or believe I deserved such a gift.

A list of my favourite songs..

Whenever I listen to the radio, I always say, 'OH I LOVE THIS SONG!', just how many favourite songs are you intitled to, before every song becomes a favourite? Here's some of my favourite ones.. of the top of my head.

Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd
Fix You - Coldplay
The Scientist - Coldplay
Trouble - Coldplay
Mr Brightside - The Killers
I don't want to miss a thing - Aerosmith
Fireflies - Owl City
Everything I do, I do it for you - Bryan Adams
Come What May - Nicole Kidman & Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge)
Mad World - Gary Jules
Be Mine - David Gray
What About Now - Westlife
Evergreen - Westlife
Starlight - Muse
Snow (Hey Ho) - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
You - Take That
What Is Love - Take That
What You Believe In - Take That
Said It All - Take That
Patience - Take That
Rule The Word - Take That
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
Paranoid Android - Radiohead
Misunderstood - Robbie Williams
Enternity - Robbie Williams
When You Say Nothing At All - Ronan Keating
Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park
Forever - Chris Brown
You Are Not Alone - Xfactor Finalists
29thJan.

..the list will forever grow :)

my perfect weekend..

I actually have the best weekend ever coming up, only tonight! I am SO excited! I'm getting to see Chris, which is fantastic! So excited to see him again :) and i'm off back home to not so sunny norfolk (so i hear!) for a few days... (thank heavens for no lectures next week!!) so, going home to see my mumsy (L) and eat ice-cream and drink unlimited supply of pineapple juice (don't ask what the fascination is with it atm) and spend it with some special people. Chris is staying over mine friday night.. and meeting the close family ;) ha-ha to him!
Saturday i'm meeting up with my best girl friend, and we're doing some shopping (yes, we have a double date on sat evening!) i'm so happy, cos i miss her so much.. it'll be nice to see her on her own and gossip about un-important things :) then, i'm going to meet up again with my love and el's bf.. and go for a meal. (this i'm both excited and nervous about) i've never been on a double date!? how do they go...? but at the same time, i'm going with a best mate.. so, that'll be fine, and i'll have Chris as my mighty protector of anything too dark and sinister! (he-he-he!) and then after that fairytale i'm going back to his and stay over sat night..
I think this is actually the best weekend EVER! going home and seeing 3 of my favourite people in the whole world! :)
I am happy, happy, happpyyyy!

falling..

It takes me a long time to realise that i'm in love. I don't know why I have this problem. Maybe i'm scared of feeling strongly for someone? Once again? I seem to slowly yet surely fall for people. Well I say people, very few people, just a couple of people i've ever 'fell' for. I take time to trust people aswell. Maybe this is an issue with the loving people?
I know i'm capable of loving people, I know I can care and look after people. Make them feel loved. I know I can do that, but sometimes i'm scared. Hoping this time it'll be different, maybe they'll be different. Think different, feel different, speak different.
I've realised, not everyone is the same.
Not everyone will screw you or I over. There is some decent people, people who will care and love you just for being you. Take the bad and the good together. These are the ones you want. Maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe this time, it'll work. Not suffer a broken heart any longer. Someone, who actually, just wants to be with you, like you do with them? Maybe that's the start to falling in love. Being with someone that makes you smile and laugh, that cuddles you and give you sweet kisses. Telling you bits about their life and asking questions. Not feeling embaressed or ashamed to tell them. Feeling comfortable and content when they're around. Realising the little things that they do. Not wanting to be apart from one another physically. Feeling that the hand has missing fingers. Being excited to see them again.
I think they are the signs of falling again..

the way I am

I am the way I am.
I can't decide on anything.
I make hasty decisions.
I get attached to people.
I care too much. I worry far too much.
I laugh about nothing.
I miss people too easily.
I am very stubborn and will always win.
I am emotional and can be sensitive.
I believe too much in words. They are too important to me. I hate not knowing the right words.
I forget what i'm going to say. I think too much.
I have an over active imagination.
I never expect anything off people.
I don't like people spending money on me.
I like phone calls when i'm laying on my bed feeling sleepy.
I adore texts from the people I love.
I can't actually cook to save my life.
I like kisses and cuddles. I don't like tickles.
I like private jokes. I like the smirk and feeling before you're about to laugh.
I actually like to do the hoovering and washing up.
I like men in shirts. I like the smell of aftershave on the collar.
I like funny films and sketches.
I love fruit.
I like the clean feeling you have once you step out of shower.

This is the way I am. I am like this, I will always be like this. I shouldn't have to change, even if you wish me too.

it's been a long time..

Hey Friends,
I know it's been ages since i've written on this page.. and i'm sorry that I haven't been writing much on here. I've been so busy, and.. well have extra company in my life so it's all distracting. But, I like it.. even if I don't sleep anymore! :)

Chris, I think I adore you :) x

yes..

"When you get sick, it's nearly always the head and chest that's making you so.."

Yes, you are right Jamie. Quote of the month so far ;)

Jemima

My hamster. She was so beautiful, and cute. Had such an adorable face. Had different colour fur all down her back. Long and short too.
She adored playing in her ball for hours and hours. Used to come out every night running around my room, mostly when I was doing some washing or tidying my room. Making me smile whilst she bashed the walls and turning it into a game of hide and seek when I would want to put her back in the cage. She was a devil, gnawed on everything you got your hands on. She bit holes in my jeans and the edge of my dress, also my twilight book! But she never bit people. Not even at the end when she was in pain.
Everyone loved her, she was one to love at first sight! She was too cute and got away with murder. I actually loved her. She was my friend at uni, and admittedly I did speak to her. She was a friend.
The day she died, I was so upset. I took her to the vets thinking she had food stuck in one of her pouches, but turned out it was a cancer. The woman told me she probably been in pain the last couple of days, this terribly upset me. I adored her, and wanted to do everything I could to look after her. She was my baby girl. But, I didn't want her to get in more pain, or see her like that anymore, so I made the decision to put her to sleep. It killed me to make this decision. I didn't want her in pain anymore, or slowly let it get worse as there's so little I could've done. I know it's silly for such a little animal.. but she was my friend.
I love you Mima X

the same way..

A start to something beautiful..

I’ve only known you a week, but it does feel so much longer. We talk near enough all the time when you’re not working. I get to a point when I can’t wait for you to finish, just so I can talk to you. I also find myself wanting to tell you about my day. Then the night vanishes away from us. We talk up to 3 hours on the phone and it feels as if you’ve just said ‘hello’ and it’s so easy just chatting to you. Goes too quick! You’re not at all self obsessed, so it’s never just about you or me for that matter. You waffle on so much it really makes me smile, because I’m always the one that tend to do that! You give my jaw a rest, and it’s nice to hear your voice. We even talk over each other and laugh at the same time. Agreeing on practically everything and having the same rules about certain things.
We talk about the most random of stuff; you don’t know how much you make me smile when you play along with my jokes. Like a hamster called sonic. But wasn’t blue! So have to get a blue hedgehog, and purposely call it anything but sonic, just ‘cos everyone would just want to! And, my walking boots being in Carlisle, and won’t drop at my feet when I need them most. Saying they won’t fly, but laughing about giving them red bull to get wings! Hearing you moan about the snow and days at work is the nicest thing, it’s the little things.
The night you asked me out was funny, simply because I knew you were going to. We talked about the time you would, or how you’d prefer to do it. You were standing outside the pub in the snow and I was curled up in bed watching the film I was meant to watch the night before, but you rang and had to defer it till this night. Telling me that you wanted to ask me something, but you were going to do it the other night, but you forgot to ask me; simply because you were waffling on about other stuff. (This made me laugh!) Then, you just asked me. I couldn’t stop smiling because I really, wanted to be your girlfriend.
I don’t like it when you have to go to bed, and leave me. Then having to wait till you finish work to talk to you once again. I find myself wanting to complete everything in the day, just so I have all evening to talk to you. I love it when you ring me, you nattering on and me getting all sleepy from your voice, but feeling completely content and happy. It’s the nicest thing.
You’re a complete charmer, but use it in the right places and always ask me to text you, even when you’re with your friends. Saying I’m never getting in the way. Always texting back as soon as possible and making me smile when it says your name across my phone screen. I’m smiling again and I like, for once, not feeling guilty that I really like you. Not caring what anyone thinks anymore.
But do you know what the best thing is? You feel exactly the same way as I do.