I'm tired. I'm fed up of all thats with us. I wish I could turn my life off like a tap. Stop myself from the continuous flow of life that has me swallowed. You do this to me, and only you make me tired.
I'm tired, I don't want to run around after you, and I don't want you to moan at me about the things I never did. I wouldn't do half them things, simply because I would be too afraid.
I'm afraid, incase I end up loosing you.
I simply wish I could let go and move away, but something keeps me from making that movement. I'm tired of just everything.
What can I do? 'Cos i'm hopeless again.
I'm tired.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Monday, 28 September 2009
Living the Nightmare - Part One - Chapter One.
So I’m Max Sullivan. I live in London. Or at least I used to. Lots have happened. But eh, life goes on. Just another day, eh? I’m 42. I’m not getting any younger; man I do miss being able to be young and free, especially free. Well, physically, but mentally, I’ll always be free. The mind always has to be free, the core of your mind is sacred, always has to be sacred. That place I intend to always keep safe. I won’t ever let anyone spoil that section of me. Ever.
As a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend? Imagined something that was never there? Ever wondered what it would be like to actually imagine something that feels so real, yet actually isn’t there? No probably never really crossed your mind, has it? How it might feel, or look. Feeling totally convinced that something is out there, after you. No, you’re probably thinking ‘What the hell?’ Yeah I think I’d have probably been the same 32 years ago. Or maybe not. Who knows?
Well, as a matter of fact, I had an imaginary friend. Well I always assumed it was one. My mother, now my mother, Julie. One of the loveliest women you’d have probably ever met. Not that I remember much, but eh, when you’ve been through lots, your mind kind of gets scrambled. Yeah, I remember her smile, her simple, natural smile. She smiled a lot. Probably why I remember her smile. She would smile and the house would suddenly come to life, be colour to the walls, the room would go warm under her radiant expression. Her soft skin, yes, she has such perfect skin. I clearly remember the scent of her skin; it was a bed full of roses, such a sweet subtle smell. Roses and Daisies. She used to put daisies around the house; she said she put them there, so you smile when you see them. They remind you of how perfect the world is and how much you should love the place in which you live, but most of all to smile when you see them. They made her smile. So that made me smile.
Of course now, then, I was only 10. Wow, time really does fly past? So fast. Almost, too fast. As a child, I don’t think I found anything too fast, it was always so slow. Days used to feel like weeks, and weeks felt like years. Well, at one point this was. I liked it. It gave me time to think, and to write. All I ever did, or wanted to do was writing. I remember mother saying I was a natural; I was naturally talented to writing. That I was going to claim all the fame. Dreams are so amazing, I enjoyed her enthusiasm. Being 10, I don’t think I really understood what she meant. But she smiled, and when she smiles, I smile. Those days were so perfect.
Murphy; that’s the name of my imaginary friend. I don’t really know why I just called him ‘imaginary’, because, to me he simply wasn’t imaginary. He didn’t look like a ghost. He didn’t come and go. In fact he’s always been the one constant thing in my life. He was my best friend. He talked to me, and made me laugh. We always had private jokes, and I’d laugh all the time.
Mother would ask what I was laughing at. Father would simply ignore it. I would tell mother it was Murphy and she’d smile, that all too familiar smile. Smile and go,
‘Oh Max, that’s lovely, what is Murphy? Is he a small person like you? Or is he a big grizzly bear?’
I never really understood why she thought Murphy was a grizzly bear. Of course he was a small person like me. He’s my friend and he goes everywhere with me. School, around the home, even out on the streets! He would tell me all these tales of what he wanted to do. Talk of his days he used to run around, climb and sing. Murphy was a great singer. We sang ‘all things bright and wonderful’, Mother thought this was a beautiful song and that we had such lovely voices. Mother was always so optimistic. Always believed in me, and always had me in hope. I don’t know what I’d have done without her. She was my smile. Murphy never left my side though. People at school always said that they had a best friend when they were younger. Now they say they are your guardian angel. Or so they think. How do they know? Well they say an imaginary friend is your angel of protection. But they also said you’d forget them and move away, that they became a small part of you. That you never recognise them, after your young years. Murphy isn’t any of these things; he was always there, if anything he became stronger, more real, and yet my closest friend that understood me more than anything in the world. They think they know. Actually they know of nothing. People like to have their own stories and make up happenings. I’m not like that, I don’t make things up. Apart from my stories. But we all make up our stories, yes? I always did.
Then it all changed. So I stopped.
Now, I don’t write at all. I can’t afford to, so they say.
“You don’t need to bother yourself with words Mr. Sullivan, concentrate on getting better first.”
They actually mean, “Don’t write books, because you are crazy.” Why do doctors treat you as if you’re mad, when you know that full well what’s happening is in the real world? Yet they constantly, politely, still try to drum in the fact that everything you say is wrong. I’m not one to let down if I’m wrong. I’m stubborn. It’s nature. God intended me to be stubborn, so I will be, must be there for a reason? I don’t worry about it. It’s the last thing on my mind when such things are going on around me! They won’t listen. Why is it so hard for people to listen? Everyone just needs someone to understand, yes, really understand them. Doctors can be so ignorant and just assume everything they say has to be right. It’s patronising. The look in their eye, they don’t actually care, they pretend. Everything is just pretence. It upsets me greatly, that they have been granted the position of having one of the most caring occupations, where they are meant to help you. Yes, they may make you better, physically, but emotionally they just push you to the ground. Is that really the job description of a doctor? I’m sure it is.
Routine. It’s all routine in life, that’s why the doctors don’t care. I shouldn’t be stereotypic against all doctors, as I’m sure there are many that do care. Life gets repetitive, so really, they probably do actually care and do their best, yet they’ve done the same thing over and over again, so naturally it’s got boring. That’s why they don’t see me for who I really am. Simply because they see me as a schizophrenic. A case study. Another hopeless experiment.
“How have you been Mr. Sullivan?”
“Fine, thank you” I replied, trying not to sound repetitive.
Doctor Avery gave me a once over glance, she was clearly looking for any signs of me lying. I wasn’t fidgeting and I wasn’t actually lying. I did honestly feel completely fine today. I feel more than fine when I’m writing. There was no awkward body language. I know she didn’t find anything in me to be doubtful about, so she hit back to her questions with a surprised, yet cautious tone.
“How is your medication going?” she asked, again looking suspiciously.
“Perfectly fine, thank you” I answered with a sigh.
“So you’re not fe-“she began, I interrupted, simply because I knew what she was going to ask before she did.
“No, everything feels, just, fine thank you, also I’m eating well, and sleeping fine, I haven’t seen or heard anything for a good few days since my medication has been altered”
I cleared my throat.
She shuffled around and after a few moments looked up at me and went “Right, well, yes, that sounds good, is there anything else I should know or hear about, regarding your position or health?”
Avery pushed her glasses down to the bottom of her nose and looked over the top, holding her hands tight together. She actually looked very sexy. I went back to thinking, trying to figure the best way to tell her my latest thought.
It was as if she actually really cared for that moment, as if she was going to really listen to me, but she’s a doctor. She went back to her papers and started writing away, looking up to press me to reply to her buzzing question, she was looking for me to say something. Maybe confess that I was mad and that I needed help, or that I made everything up perhaps?
“I want to start writing again” I quickly confessed and hung my head low as not to meet her gaze.
She clicked her pen and put it down.
“Mr. Sullivan, I thought we had talked about this?”
Being patronising again. I tried not to take notice and pretend she was being sympathetic.
“Yes... Well, no, not really, everyone had told me to... stop writing, and I underst-“ I was determined to fight my corner, I had perfectly good reasons to state.
“Look, I thought we decided it wasn’t in your best interest to write anymore, as it didn’t help your health, it unsettles you, I know you enjoy writing Max, but it really would be wise not to write, I mean the few weeks where you haven’t been writing you’ve been feeling better, isn’t that right?”
I couldn’t argue. She was right, I had been feeling better since I hadn’t, but how could I give up my only talent? Writing was all that I knew and understood words were second nature to me, and they are my life. I know they are where I belong.
“Yes.” I replied in a small voice. I felt incredibly stupid.
“I’m glad you understand this Max, I am truly sorry that you can’t feel to express yourself well, maybe you could try other Medias and see where they may take you?”
I felt annoyed that she was determined to let my only talent down.
“Doctor... I don’t wish to sound rude or anything, but writing is my only passion, ever since I was a young child, I was always encouraged, and it’s something I’ve always enjoyed, there’s something inside me that is telling me I have to write” I knew this was going to take me somewhere I shouldn’t go, but I had to press my view. “I’ve never wanted to do anything else, I’ve written before, I want to try again, with the medication being so much better than before, maybe that will help me?” I wasn’t about to stop, I needed to get it out before she tried stopping me again. “What if I wrote about me, and my experiences, maybe that could help me, maybe I could try and give everyone a better understanding of my illness from my point of view?” I had stopped. Doctor was looking at me shocked by my desperation for her understanding.
Again she looked me over; I could see that she was re-playing the words in her head, grasping my meaning for such a confession. She picked up her pen and clicked it and started writing on her board, a few seconds later she looked up at me, and looked me in the eye, deep into my eyes. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed, then once again clicked her pen and started rolling it around the desk. Starting to rock on her chair and then began to speak.
“Max, do you honestly think, speaking, writing your ‘story’ as it were, would help your progress?”
There was a pause.
I tried to stay calm, I knew she was going to give it up and allow me to do the story.
“Yes, I think it would be of benefit...”
She looked at me with huge curiosity. She was waiting for more.
“I do honestly believe it would help, my understanding of my own illness, and let the ghosts that are haunting me, go.”
“Right.” She continued looking and leaned forward “Max, if I let you do this, will you promise that you’ll contact me at first signs of anything unusual?”
“Yes, I promise.”
We had a deal.
Copyright of Imogene Rogers
As a child, did you ever have an imaginary friend? Imagined something that was never there? Ever wondered what it would be like to actually imagine something that feels so real, yet actually isn’t there? No probably never really crossed your mind, has it? How it might feel, or look. Feeling totally convinced that something is out there, after you. No, you’re probably thinking ‘What the hell?’ Yeah I think I’d have probably been the same 32 years ago. Or maybe not. Who knows?
Well, as a matter of fact, I had an imaginary friend. Well I always assumed it was one. My mother, now my mother, Julie. One of the loveliest women you’d have probably ever met. Not that I remember much, but eh, when you’ve been through lots, your mind kind of gets scrambled. Yeah, I remember her smile, her simple, natural smile. She smiled a lot. Probably why I remember her smile. She would smile and the house would suddenly come to life, be colour to the walls, the room would go warm under her radiant expression. Her soft skin, yes, she has such perfect skin. I clearly remember the scent of her skin; it was a bed full of roses, such a sweet subtle smell. Roses and Daisies. She used to put daisies around the house; she said she put them there, so you smile when you see them. They remind you of how perfect the world is and how much you should love the place in which you live, but most of all to smile when you see them. They made her smile. So that made me smile.
Of course now, then, I was only 10. Wow, time really does fly past? So fast. Almost, too fast. As a child, I don’t think I found anything too fast, it was always so slow. Days used to feel like weeks, and weeks felt like years. Well, at one point this was. I liked it. It gave me time to think, and to write. All I ever did, or wanted to do was writing. I remember mother saying I was a natural; I was naturally talented to writing. That I was going to claim all the fame. Dreams are so amazing, I enjoyed her enthusiasm. Being 10, I don’t think I really understood what she meant. But she smiled, and when she smiles, I smile. Those days were so perfect.
Murphy; that’s the name of my imaginary friend. I don’t really know why I just called him ‘imaginary’, because, to me he simply wasn’t imaginary. He didn’t look like a ghost. He didn’t come and go. In fact he’s always been the one constant thing in my life. He was my best friend. He talked to me, and made me laugh. We always had private jokes, and I’d laugh all the time.
Mother would ask what I was laughing at. Father would simply ignore it. I would tell mother it was Murphy and she’d smile, that all too familiar smile. Smile and go,
‘Oh Max, that’s lovely, what is Murphy? Is he a small person like you? Or is he a big grizzly bear?’
I never really understood why she thought Murphy was a grizzly bear. Of course he was a small person like me. He’s my friend and he goes everywhere with me. School, around the home, even out on the streets! He would tell me all these tales of what he wanted to do. Talk of his days he used to run around, climb and sing. Murphy was a great singer. We sang ‘all things bright and wonderful’, Mother thought this was a beautiful song and that we had such lovely voices. Mother was always so optimistic. Always believed in me, and always had me in hope. I don’t know what I’d have done without her. She was my smile. Murphy never left my side though. People at school always said that they had a best friend when they were younger. Now they say they are your guardian angel. Or so they think. How do they know? Well they say an imaginary friend is your angel of protection. But they also said you’d forget them and move away, that they became a small part of you. That you never recognise them, after your young years. Murphy isn’t any of these things; he was always there, if anything he became stronger, more real, and yet my closest friend that understood me more than anything in the world. They think they know. Actually they know of nothing. People like to have their own stories and make up happenings. I’m not like that, I don’t make things up. Apart from my stories. But we all make up our stories, yes? I always did.
Then it all changed. So I stopped.
Now, I don’t write at all. I can’t afford to, so they say.
“You don’t need to bother yourself with words Mr. Sullivan, concentrate on getting better first.”
They actually mean, “Don’t write books, because you are crazy.” Why do doctors treat you as if you’re mad, when you know that full well what’s happening is in the real world? Yet they constantly, politely, still try to drum in the fact that everything you say is wrong. I’m not one to let down if I’m wrong. I’m stubborn. It’s nature. God intended me to be stubborn, so I will be, must be there for a reason? I don’t worry about it. It’s the last thing on my mind when such things are going on around me! They won’t listen. Why is it so hard for people to listen? Everyone just needs someone to understand, yes, really understand them. Doctors can be so ignorant and just assume everything they say has to be right. It’s patronising. The look in their eye, they don’t actually care, they pretend. Everything is just pretence. It upsets me greatly, that they have been granted the position of having one of the most caring occupations, where they are meant to help you. Yes, they may make you better, physically, but emotionally they just push you to the ground. Is that really the job description of a doctor? I’m sure it is.
Routine. It’s all routine in life, that’s why the doctors don’t care. I shouldn’t be stereotypic against all doctors, as I’m sure there are many that do care. Life gets repetitive, so really, they probably do actually care and do their best, yet they’ve done the same thing over and over again, so naturally it’s got boring. That’s why they don’t see me for who I really am. Simply because they see me as a schizophrenic. A case study. Another hopeless experiment.
“How have you been Mr. Sullivan?”
“Fine, thank you” I replied, trying not to sound repetitive.
Doctor Avery gave me a once over glance, she was clearly looking for any signs of me lying. I wasn’t fidgeting and I wasn’t actually lying. I did honestly feel completely fine today. I feel more than fine when I’m writing. There was no awkward body language. I know she didn’t find anything in me to be doubtful about, so she hit back to her questions with a surprised, yet cautious tone.
“How is your medication going?” she asked, again looking suspiciously.
“Perfectly fine, thank you” I answered with a sigh.
“So you’re not fe-“she began, I interrupted, simply because I knew what she was going to ask before she did.
“No, everything feels, just, fine thank you, also I’m eating well, and sleeping fine, I haven’t seen or heard anything for a good few days since my medication has been altered”
I cleared my throat.
She shuffled around and after a few moments looked up at me and went “Right, well, yes, that sounds good, is there anything else I should know or hear about, regarding your position or health?”
Avery pushed her glasses down to the bottom of her nose and looked over the top, holding her hands tight together. She actually looked very sexy. I went back to thinking, trying to figure the best way to tell her my latest thought.
It was as if she actually really cared for that moment, as if she was going to really listen to me, but she’s a doctor. She went back to her papers and started writing away, looking up to press me to reply to her buzzing question, she was looking for me to say something. Maybe confess that I was mad and that I needed help, or that I made everything up perhaps?
“I want to start writing again” I quickly confessed and hung my head low as not to meet her gaze.
She clicked her pen and put it down.
“Mr. Sullivan, I thought we had talked about this?”
Being patronising again. I tried not to take notice and pretend she was being sympathetic.
“Yes... Well, no, not really, everyone had told me to... stop writing, and I underst-“ I was determined to fight my corner, I had perfectly good reasons to state.
“Look, I thought we decided it wasn’t in your best interest to write anymore, as it didn’t help your health, it unsettles you, I know you enjoy writing Max, but it really would be wise not to write, I mean the few weeks where you haven’t been writing you’ve been feeling better, isn’t that right?”
I couldn’t argue. She was right, I had been feeling better since I hadn’t, but how could I give up my only talent? Writing was all that I knew and understood words were second nature to me, and they are my life. I know they are where I belong.
“Yes.” I replied in a small voice. I felt incredibly stupid.
“I’m glad you understand this Max, I am truly sorry that you can’t feel to express yourself well, maybe you could try other Medias and see where they may take you?”
I felt annoyed that she was determined to let my only talent down.
“Doctor... I don’t wish to sound rude or anything, but writing is my only passion, ever since I was a young child, I was always encouraged, and it’s something I’ve always enjoyed, there’s something inside me that is telling me I have to write” I knew this was going to take me somewhere I shouldn’t go, but I had to press my view. “I’ve never wanted to do anything else, I’ve written before, I want to try again, with the medication being so much better than before, maybe that will help me?” I wasn’t about to stop, I needed to get it out before she tried stopping me again. “What if I wrote about me, and my experiences, maybe that could help me, maybe I could try and give everyone a better understanding of my illness from my point of view?” I had stopped. Doctor was looking at me shocked by my desperation for her understanding.
Again she looked me over; I could see that she was re-playing the words in her head, grasping my meaning for such a confession. She picked up her pen and clicked it and started writing on her board, a few seconds later she looked up at me, and looked me in the eye, deep into my eyes. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed, then once again clicked her pen and started rolling it around the desk. Starting to rock on her chair and then began to speak.
“Max, do you honestly think, speaking, writing your ‘story’ as it were, would help your progress?”
There was a pause.
I tried to stay calm, I knew she was going to give it up and allow me to do the story.
“Yes, I think it would be of benefit...”
She looked at me with huge curiosity. She was waiting for more.
“I do honestly believe it would help, my understanding of my own illness, and let the ghosts that are haunting me, go.”
“Right.” She continued looking and leaned forward “Max, if I let you do this, will you promise that you’ll contact me at first signs of anything unusual?”
“Yes, I promise.”
We had a deal.
Copyright of Imogene Rogers
Sunday, 27 September 2009
New Story - Living the Nightmare
I have started a new story. Well I say new, I started the project a few months ago, yet I abandoned it whilst I was getting ready for University.
It's called 'Living the Nightmare'. I won't reveal the plot to the story, but i'm trying out new paths and ideas.
I have written out the preface to the story, and this I would be willing to share.
Please tell me your thoughts..
"Do you ever look at the world and just think it’s looking crazy? Just step back from pavement and think, ‘WHOA, anything could happen today!’ Actually anything could happen to me, to my neighbour or my brother! Do you ever think like that? As if you’re in a dream that you can’t and won’t ever get out of? Do you have dreams that feel so real, that scare you to death? But then find yourself awake in your bed, screaming, sweat all over your face. Your Panting, feeling out of breath? Like you’ve never breathed the air before? As if all the darkness swarms you, you finally feel alive and awake more than ever. Heart pumping. Your scared. But it was just a dream, right? So it’ll be ok. Surely? What if it wasn’t a dream, but an actual reality? Ok, you’re thinking I’m crazy. But I’m going to prove to you that I’m not. I’m sane. Just like you. Like everyone else I know and am around. I’m not mad."
Copyright to Imogene Rogers.
It's called 'Living the Nightmare'. I won't reveal the plot to the story, but i'm trying out new paths and ideas.
I have written out the preface to the story, and this I would be willing to share.
Please tell me your thoughts..
"Do you ever look at the world and just think it’s looking crazy? Just step back from pavement and think, ‘WHOA, anything could happen today!’ Actually anything could happen to me, to my neighbour or my brother! Do you ever think like that? As if you’re in a dream that you can’t and won’t ever get out of? Do you have dreams that feel so real, that scare you to death? But then find yourself awake in your bed, screaming, sweat all over your face. Your Panting, feeling out of breath? Like you’ve never breathed the air before? As if all the darkness swarms you, you finally feel alive and awake more than ever. Heart pumping. Your scared. But it was just a dream, right? So it’ll be ok. Surely? What if it wasn’t a dream, but an actual reality? Ok, you’re thinking I’m crazy. But I’m going to prove to you that I’m not. I’m sane. Just like you. Like everyone else I know and am around. I’m not mad."
Copyright to Imogene Rogers.
you know when you miss someone
You know when you miss someone.
Simply for the fact your heart sinks when you think of them.
Everyone moves on.
Go their own way.
Everything turns and stays as memories.
Nothing will be the same again.
Staying here, but wanting there.
Won't happen.
It's the way it's meant to be now.
I think.
But i'm truly missing you all.
Simply for the fact your heart sinks when you think of them.
Everyone moves on.
Go their own way.
Everything turns and stays as memories.
Nothing will be the same again.
Staying here, but wanting there.
Won't happen.
It's the way it's meant to be now.
I think.
But i'm truly missing you all.
University Update
http://imogenerogers-university.blogspot.com/
I have decided, with some support and encouragement from a friend, that I should do a University Blog, informing everyone of what i'm up to at Uni and things about it, pictures and whatsnots.
So if you're interested in signing up and reading, then do so, you may even comment if you wish too :)
Thank-You!
I have decided, with some support and encouragement from a friend, that I should do a University Blog, informing everyone of what i'm up to at Uni and things about it, pictures and whatsnots.
So if you're interested in signing up and reading, then do so, you may even comment if you wish too :)
Thank-You!
Thursday, 24 September 2009
It Never Gets Easier..
Have you been in love?
If you haven't then, you can read on and attempt to understand, or simply not. Love is like that really, you never fully understand anything, even though it feels so clear. Yet they never mention how unsettling it is aswell, fogs up your brain. Nothing is completely clear, it totally changes everything.
By now, I really thought it would be over, or at least feel slightly different. I miss you, and I still think about you all the time, wondering how you are, really are. You say one thing and mean something else, you always say you're fine, even though your face speaks it all. Why don't you talk to me anymore? Don't you remember that I know you, I know you better than myself. I just, miss you babe.
Have you ever had the thought 'I'll get over this, I will move on and just be friends'? Why is that so hard to think and feel? Why does your heart take over everything?
I'm a fool.
I'm naive to think that the more I stay away, the longer that I don't see your face, that my feelings will fade away and almost forget what I once felt. It hasn't worked that way. If anything it gets stronger, to the point of where I see your face and my heart does backflips. Literally bounces around, draw itself into knots and squeezes so tight, that I just don't know how to talk, I forget how to be human.
It's you that does that to me. You don't even notice it.
You sweep me off my feet everytime you speak to me.
I see through what you try and show. Never forget that I actually do know you.
I love and hate this, but they are the same thing.
Sometimes just wish I could replace this feeling with something else, simply won't happen.
Just wanted to tell you; that it's not getting easier, in any way.
I love you, now and forever.
If you haven't then, you can read on and attempt to understand, or simply not. Love is like that really, you never fully understand anything, even though it feels so clear. Yet they never mention how unsettling it is aswell, fogs up your brain. Nothing is completely clear, it totally changes everything.
By now, I really thought it would be over, or at least feel slightly different. I miss you, and I still think about you all the time, wondering how you are, really are. You say one thing and mean something else, you always say you're fine, even though your face speaks it all. Why don't you talk to me anymore? Don't you remember that I know you, I know you better than myself. I just, miss you babe.
Have you ever had the thought 'I'll get over this, I will move on and just be friends'? Why is that so hard to think and feel? Why does your heart take over everything?
I'm a fool.
I'm naive to think that the more I stay away, the longer that I don't see your face, that my feelings will fade away and almost forget what I once felt. It hasn't worked that way. If anything it gets stronger, to the point of where I see your face and my heart does backflips. Literally bounces around, draw itself into knots and squeezes so tight, that I just don't know how to talk, I forget how to be human.
It's you that does that to me. You don't even notice it.
You sweep me off my feet everytime you speak to me.
I see through what you try and show. Never forget that I actually do know you.
I love and hate this, but they are the same thing.
Sometimes just wish I could replace this feeling with something else, simply won't happen.
Just wanted to tell you; that it's not getting easier, in any way.
I love you, now and forever.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
My 'SPECIAL' Girlie.
I love you.
Ok, not in a lesbian way, but I do love you.
My bobsy boobs! My sunshine - brighten up my days and make me smile! My cherry-pie. My cutie pie. My star. My Love. My Lovey. MY LOVER. ;)
The names are endless.
& so are the memories.
TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS TODAY!
I am so happy! We spent the day together in special symbol of our love and friendship.. well with our other girlies. It's been a great two years, but seriously feels like longer, you've been a total starface to me!
I remember the first day I ever met you, was one of the easiest days i've ever found myself in, from the moment I met you, we clicked and been the best of friends since. We found that we both knew els and that we've heard of one another via her, it's all thanks. It was at bawsey and you sat there and started talking to me, it was so easy to get into a conversation with you, I remember you talking about people on your course and that you missed first dips!
From that day on we hung together at college, at the benches every lunch and jumping out of lessons to have a chat and shopping nearly every weekend - you've always been there for me sweetheart, and I hope I give the same treatment back.
You make me laugh so much, and we seem to natter all the time about rubbish and sense, but everyday is always a laugh with you around. We always seem to have the weirdest of days together, I love being with you! Have so many memories together, it'd be impossible to list them all - but we're twinny's! Have so much in common it's so scary - people look at us as if we're the same person some days!
I'm so glad we're friends, it's easy talking and laughing and we've never fallen out in the two years, and I really doubt we ever will.
I will miss you SO much when I go to university, but I know we'll always be talking, texting and ringing - it's not possible to not to talk to you or not be in contact. I like being close with you, at least I can completely trust and talk to one person about everything these days.
Forever friends.
Always yours,
x
Ok, not in a lesbian way, but I do love you.
My bobsy boobs! My sunshine - brighten up my days and make me smile! My cherry-pie. My cutie pie. My star. My Love. My Lovey. MY LOVER. ;)
The names are endless.
& so are the memories.
TWO FRIGGIN' YEARS TODAY!
I am so happy! We spent the day together in special symbol of our love and friendship.. well with our other girlies. It's been a great two years, but seriously feels like longer, you've been a total starface to me!
I remember the first day I ever met you, was one of the easiest days i've ever found myself in, from the moment I met you, we clicked and been the best of friends since. We found that we both knew els and that we've heard of one another via her, it's all thanks. It was at bawsey and you sat there and started talking to me, it was so easy to get into a conversation with you, I remember you talking about people on your course and that you missed first dips!
From that day on we hung together at college, at the benches every lunch and jumping out of lessons to have a chat and shopping nearly every weekend - you've always been there for me sweetheart, and I hope I give the same treatment back.
You make me laugh so much, and we seem to natter all the time about rubbish and sense, but everyday is always a laugh with you around. We always seem to have the weirdest of days together, I love being with you! Have so many memories together, it'd be impossible to list them all - but we're twinny's! Have so much in common it's so scary - people look at us as if we're the same person some days!
I'm so glad we're friends, it's easy talking and laughing and we've never fallen out in the two years, and I really doubt we ever will.
I will miss you SO much when I go to university, but I know we'll always be talking, texting and ringing - it's not possible to not to talk to you or not be in contact. I like being close with you, at least I can completely trust and talk to one person about everything these days.
Forever friends.
Always yours,
x
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
Two Years On
So, it's two years later.
Two years since I first saw your face. Your quizzical face.
I remember the situation well.
It was strange, mainly for the fact it was a new setting. New place. New course. New people. I never really had the problem of conversing with other people, yet today, I felt it was different. A weird different.
I don't remember seeing you. I know you were obviously there, in amongst the crowd. I was in later than everyone else, I swapped courses on the first day, and i'm SO glad I did. Otherwise i'd have never of met you. I spoke to many people that day, and the coming weeks, and i'm almost positive I spoke to you at some point in the mix.
October. 12th.
The day we really began to be friends.
It's all in the story i've written for you, i'm still yet to complete that, but we're a never ending story at the moment. I remember sitting opposite you. You were just really quiet at the start, and then we all got into a conversation about something random. Random that then became the norm. You then started to loosen up, but obviously not into the person I know now.
You smiled at me.
You asked me something, and we started talking about something.
Hair flick. This is our first proper memory together.
Even now it makes me smile to myself; not only that it totally was ours, but it's the day I met my best friend.
We sat together on the train home, I was next to the window, and you sat on my right. We spoke all the way home, talking about the randomest of stuff. You made me laugh. We sat with 5 other people and conversed with all of them in turn, but we spoke the most, whilst they nattered between themselves. The day you told me how you broke 'all your fingers' - (YOU STILL TELL ME NOW!!) I kept going 'ooh' 'ahh'.. you were very open with me the moment we started talking. One of the most memorable days of my life, the day I met you.
After that day we were close in everything that we did. Did all projects and spoke about everything. We were always at one anothers side; even got asked if we were joint to the hip. We've always had rumours about an 'us' but we've only ever laughed at them, as it's plainly ridiculous. I told you all my secrets. I told you everything, and I spoke to you 24/7. You know everything on me. Even that.
Just who knows what will happen? How we'll go in the future. But i've known you for two years now, some of the most dramatic years i've yet experienced. But I still love you, and care for you, as much as I used to, if not more. - I think I always will in some way.
Two years today, feels like twenty two sometimes.
:)
Always
x
Two years since I first saw your face. Your quizzical face.
I remember the situation well.
It was strange, mainly for the fact it was a new setting. New place. New course. New people. I never really had the problem of conversing with other people, yet today, I felt it was different. A weird different.
I don't remember seeing you. I know you were obviously there, in amongst the crowd. I was in later than everyone else, I swapped courses on the first day, and i'm SO glad I did. Otherwise i'd have never of met you. I spoke to many people that day, and the coming weeks, and i'm almost positive I spoke to you at some point in the mix.
October. 12th.
The day we really began to be friends.
It's all in the story i've written for you, i'm still yet to complete that, but we're a never ending story at the moment. I remember sitting opposite you. You were just really quiet at the start, and then we all got into a conversation about something random. Random that then became the norm. You then started to loosen up, but obviously not into the person I know now.
You smiled at me.
You asked me something, and we started talking about something.
Hair flick. This is our first proper memory together.
Even now it makes me smile to myself; not only that it totally was ours, but it's the day I met my best friend.
We sat together on the train home, I was next to the window, and you sat on my right. We spoke all the way home, talking about the randomest of stuff. You made me laugh. We sat with 5 other people and conversed with all of them in turn, but we spoke the most, whilst they nattered between themselves. The day you told me how you broke 'all your fingers' - (YOU STILL TELL ME NOW!!) I kept going 'ooh' 'ahh'.. you were very open with me the moment we started talking. One of the most memorable days of my life, the day I met you.
After that day we were close in everything that we did. Did all projects and spoke about everything. We were always at one anothers side; even got asked if we were joint to the hip. We've always had rumours about an 'us' but we've only ever laughed at them, as it's plainly ridiculous. I told you all my secrets. I told you everything, and I spoke to you 24/7. You know everything on me. Even that.
Just who knows what will happen? How we'll go in the future. But i've known you for two years now, some of the most dramatic years i've yet experienced. But I still love you, and care for you, as much as I used to, if not more. - I think I always will in some way.
Two years today, feels like twenty two sometimes.
:)
Always
x
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Once Upon a Time
Been so close to someone, that it was your own personal definition of perfection? Feelings so strong it overtook your heart? Ever looked up at the sky and think, 'why are you doing this to me?' Thinking crazy stuff like 'Do i deserve this?.. What have i done to deserve this?!'
Yet over months, years you try and convince yourself it's not really that way. That you haven't really actually fallen for them.
Looking back on events, it hurts the insides, wondering where it all went wrong, you know, yet you don't. All you can think of is getting back. "But how?" Worry fills your mind, worrying that nothing will ever be right again, that you're not strong enough to move on, or to stay. Wanting to get rid of the pain and consumption, yet wanting to there more than anything. What can you do? Scream, run away? Will any of them things actually help anything at all? It sounds so simple to just move along and go, but, how can you physically give up on one of the most special things in your life?
They say the past should stay there, and only there. How can you, when it drags your body over to the present moment,when it absorbs you and controls the present feelings?
Trying to move on, stuck.
Move the mind along to something new, stuck.
Hoping something will save you, stuck.
It means everything, but you have to reconsider, what does it really bring you? What do you really learn from the situation?
Looking at you melts all my doubts, talking one evening, spending time like we used to, before it went wrong, it goes to perfection, and then one thing ruins it all, or my feeling inside. I feel I've mastered my poker face, showing only what you want to see, and that feels semi-comfortable to speak aobut. Do you notice this? No, they smile back. I say mastered, it's probably only too easy to comprehend. I feel stupid, yet two years on i feel no different. Small doubts and thought of way too many things, negative and positive, but, i still have that one big fat feeling of 'stupidly in love' - will i really ever get out of this feeling?
It'll never be known that maybe you may, however small the feeling that you, may possibly feel a teeny bit the same? Maybe i'm just kidding myself till one day your action proves that you don't. Maybe we will really go back to friendship, yet at the moment, i can't find that day, either way, i hope i get out of my misery one day or another. I miss it.
I say things over and over. Deep down i just know we will never go back to how we was, because only too much has happened, and the happenings, hcnaged us and the view of everything we do together. We doubt. Just doubt.
I have to say, you'll never find someone who loves you as much as I love you. Who values your friendship as much as I. As i said, i have a high regard for you, not that you know.
Yet over months, years you try and convince yourself it's not really that way. That you haven't really actually fallen for them.
Looking back on events, it hurts the insides, wondering where it all went wrong, you know, yet you don't. All you can think of is getting back. "But how?" Worry fills your mind, worrying that nothing will ever be right again, that you're not strong enough to move on, or to stay. Wanting to get rid of the pain and consumption, yet wanting to there more than anything. What can you do? Scream, run away? Will any of them things actually help anything at all? It sounds so simple to just move along and go, but, how can you physically give up on one of the most special things in your life?
They say the past should stay there, and only there. How can you, when it drags your body over to the present moment,when it absorbs you and controls the present feelings?
Trying to move on, stuck.
Move the mind along to something new, stuck.
Hoping something will save you, stuck.
It means everything, but you have to reconsider, what does it really bring you? What do you really learn from the situation?
Looking at you melts all my doubts, talking one evening, spending time like we used to, before it went wrong, it goes to perfection, and then one thing ruins it all, or my feeling inside. I feel I've mastered my poker face, showing only what you want to see, and that feels semi-comfortable to speak aobut. Do you notice this? No, they smile back. I say mastered, it's probably only too easy to comprehend. I feel stupid, yet two years on i feel no different. Small doubts and thought of way too many things, negative and positive, but, i still have that one big fat feeling of 'stupidly in love' - will i really ever get out of this feeling?
It'll never be known that maybe you may, however small the feeling that you, may possibly feel a teeny bit the same? Maybe i'm just kidding myself till one day your action proves that you don't. Maybe we will really go back to friendship, yet at the moment, i can't find that day, either way, i hope i get out of my misery one day or another. I miss it.
I say things over and over. Deep down i just know we will never go back to how we was, because only too much has happened, and the happenings, hcnaged us and the view of everything we do together. We doubt. Just doubt.
I have to say, you'll never find someone who loves you as much as I love you. Who values your friendship as much as I. As i said, i have a high regard for you, not that you know.
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Second Best
Have you ever been so in love, you would actually die for them?
The world suddenly over night, evolves around them, and you wonder what's happened to your life. They seem to have that power over you that no-one else has ever seen. Even yourself is quizzical as to how it happens. Also saying 'no' and turns inot one ghelpless yes please! with a begging ring of tone. However much they let you down, you stupidly feel like it doesn't matter, they get a million and one excuses for their behaviour. As if everything they do is beyond perfect and nothing will be better than them, yet everyone around tell you different.
But you still love them.
Nothing is the same without them, so if they were going to disappear, you may as well just die on this very spot. There is no point otherwise.
One moment you feel so close, like nothing can change anything, simply because no-one has ever been like this with them. As far as you know. They have the words to smouldering your heart. Make you feel important and so special, as if you actually mean just as much to them as they do you. Do they feel like that, too? Or tell me what i want to hear, and to believe? Most probably.
It doesn't help that there is someone else in the picture too. Someone who's so much better than you in everything. It's not even a competition. Shouldn't consider it.
Everything you've done together, feels like a distant memory. Yet so close, but such a long time ago! Turning time around; if only there was such a power.
Then you feel low, and they talk to you, make everything better, but you know you'll only ever be second best. In everything that you do. Wanting to crawl into their arms, and mention all the scary things. They open them strong arms, then when someone comes along, they close them. Again, second best. They look at you adoringly - but you know you'll only ever be second on every list imaginable, however perfect the words they speak.
Have you ever been so in love that it feels like it only causes physical pain?
Your mind and state of play is based on how the status is between the pair of you. It's empty till they walk in the room. They are the reason.
You know they love you, yet you know it's all a big show. As if it's all a fantasy, nothing more or less, a huge bad dream, a nightmare. How can you pull such feelings out of someone who will never completely be honest with you, maybe lie to get their way.
It doesn't matter to really think about it. I'll only ever be second best. So much for best friends.
The world suddenly over night, evolves around them, and you wonder what's happened to your life. They seem to have that power over you that no-one else has ever seen. Even yourself is quizzical as to how it happens. Also saying 'no' and turns inot one ghelpless yes please! with a begging ring of tone. However much they let you down, you stupidly feel like it doesn't matter, they get a million and one excuses for their behaviour. As if everything they do is beyond perfect and nothing will be better than them, yet everyone around tell you different.
But you still love them.
Nothing is the same without them, so if they were going to disappear, you may as well just die on this very spot. There is no point otherwise.
One moment you feel so close, like nothing can change anything, simply because no-one has ever been like this with them. As far as you know. They have the words to smouldering your heart. Make you feel important and so special, as if you actually mean just as much to them as they do you. Do they feel like that, too? Or tell me what i want to hear, and to believe? Most probably.
It doesn't help that there is someone else in the picture too. Someone who's so much better than you in everything. It's not even a competition. Shouldn't consider it.
Everything you've done together, feels like a distant memory. Yet so close, but such a long time ago! Turning time around; if only there was such a power.
Then you feel low, and they talk to you, make everything better, but you know you'll only ever be second best. In everything that you do. Wanting to crawl into their arms, and mention all the scary things. They open them strong arms, then when someone comes along, they close them. Again, second best. They look at you adoringly - but you know you'll only ever be second on every list imaginable, however perfect the words they speak.
Have you ever been so in love that it feels like it only causes physical pain?
Your mind and state of play is based on how the status is between the pair of you. It's empty till they walk in the room. They are the reason.
You know they love you, yet you know it's all a big show. As if it's all a fantasy, nothing more or less, a huge bad dream, a nightmare. How can you pull such feelings out of someone who will never completely be honest with you, maybe lie to get their way.
It doesn't matter to really think about it. I'll only ever be second best. So much for best friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)