A Letter to You

I firstly would like to apologise for the fact, that recently I haven't been posting nearly as much as I normally do, it's just i've been really busy and haven't been online as often as I have done in the past. I do write a fair bit, but most of it becomes half written and then gets left. Here's my latest piece.

Dear You,
Many people may read this, but also many people won’t truly understand this as you would. I’m having a moment where I’m feeling too much and no where to project this. I really dislike it when I feel like this, it’s horrible, but when I have it on my mind, I have to say it otherwise it keeps turning around in my mind.
I don’t like people telling me that I’ll get used to this and will soon get to like the idea, because I’d like to say now, I don’t want to get used to it, and can never imagine getting used to it. I can’t really see why anyone would want to. I do understand how some people like their own time and getting on with their business with friends, getting used to a routine. I get all that, but I don’t think like that. I’m not saying I don’t like seeing friends, or going out for the day doing something separate but just saying that I don’t ever think ‘oh good, he’s gone, now I can get on with what I like’. In my view that isn’t what love is, and well it seems sort of selfish. Personally I’d be worried if I ever thought that of you, because in all honesty, I wouldn’t ever want you to go away. It’s like the other day when you were here, we were both together in the sense of the same room and next to each other, but we got on with two different things. I was drawing and painting whilst you were playing on a game on your laptop and we were both listening to music and watching the latest episode of Doctor Who. I never found that a problem, we barely spoke, but both happy to get on with our own thing. So saying that, I can’t see why people still would want to. I know I’m going to contradict myself here by saying; that I suppose I am starting to get used to it. I know that I won’t see you for a week to ten days at a time, not that it makes it easier, but I then know it’s going to happen. I find a place within myself to learn to cope with it, as you know I hate it when you leave. It upsets me and I don’t like knowing I can’t cuddle you, or come find you when I’d like to.

I’ve come to a time where I’ve decided making a fuss about things doesn’t automatically make things happen the way I want them to. So in a way I keep trying, mentally to keep strong, to appear unfazed. When actually it doesn’t work when everyone around me who knows me, knows what I’m thinking and feeling anyway. I suppose it makes it easier for me to think I’m doing the right thing in coping.
Yesterday I met up with Els, and I told her that in all the time we’ve known each other, since the night we met, we haven’t had one night where we haven’t spoken. It’s rather amazing, and as she looked fairly shocked, and said it was rather romantic how we haven’t. In that moment my heart sunk. In the nearly 6 months we’ve been together, we haven’t spent one day not without a word between us. I tried to get off the topic and to just talk about anything else, but about you. Not because I don’t love telling people about you, but just the fact I think I would’ve cried right at the moment. That wouldn’t look so great on my trying to stay strong mask, eh? I know this will seem stupid, but the more I write and read this, the more I feel I’m making a show of myself. It’s like half of me is telling me to stop writing, whilst the others saying I need to carry on; luckily that part is my heart. I’ve heard that’s a good reason to carry on with something.

I’m feeling a bit lost. It’s like when two people that are really close, the best of friends, known each other since they were really young, shared all their secrets and know what make one another tick, then one of the goes on holiday for a week or moves to another location. Ok, it’s not really the same, but I’m feeling how they would be. I’m feeling like I don’t know what to do, what to say, but I know I need to be doing something, but it then ends doing pointless stuff. Why does love make you feel like that?
I know it’s only four days and really it’s hardly a long time. It’s just I’ve been keeping myself busy and meeting up with people, doing chores and other things, but, it’s still only Tuesday. It’s taking forever. I’m trying not to think about you and everything related to us. But I wear the ring and when I think I’m getting on with something, I brush it against someone, take it off to have a shower or to do a mucky chore. It all then comes back to me just how much I’m missing you.

I’m going to say this part as honestly as I can. You’ll be able to visualise it well. I had just changed into my pyjamas, as I was about to go to bed. I came downstairs to get a drink; I put ice in a glass and a straw. Went to the fridge and got the cherryade out and filled the glass.
Mum was in the kitchen too and the dishwasher beeped and she began unloading the machine. Evie was sitting on the chair so I started talking and fussing over her, in the background mum was nattering about something, but I remember something reminding me of you. All of a sudden a felt like I wanted to cry. I had noticed I haven’t since you’ve left, not like I normally do. It was as if I had locked that part of my emotions away, purposefully. I sat there trying to hold it all in, but I felt so empty and like my body was filling up with water. Suffering with a lump in my throat. It was only because mum was looking away and talking that I managed to keep it semi together. She then said “I think I’m going to go to bed when I’ve done this”, then I managed to quickly agree, then went to go upstairs. Before I could get half way up, my eyes were burning and a couple of tears were running down my face. I walked into my room and shut the door and I couldn’t no longer keep it together. I just kept crying, because all I wanted right then was a cuddle from you, I wanted you. It was the only thing that was going to stop what I was feeling, the tears and my empty feeling. I only wanted my Chris.
I got into bed, and turn the light off straight away and sobbed whilst hugging CJ bear, but the more I hugged, the more I wanted you and the more I cried. It was a vicious circle. I honestly wondered how I was going to sleep that night, how I was going to settle and visit the land of sleep, it was feeling like it may be impossible. You know how the scent of your perfume was fading? Well it was like much stronger, I don’t know if it was just because I wanted you there so much that all of me was grasping onto the smallest smell just to have you with me. To remember you. After crying I always feel so much better, it’s like I’ve dropped everything out onto the surface. I don’t remember anything more after that time, apart from thinking I’m going to have to write something about it all. I was forming sentences in my head and paragraphs, ideas about how to start and end it. I laid there for ages, just with my head on your would be pillow, wishing you’d just come back there. I think I eventually went to sleep.