I feel like a busy bee, thoughts flying around, many unusual emotions whooshing around me, what am I meant to make of this? Events make you think, they make you consider things, things that shock you, and things that make you want to hide in shame. What’s happened? What have I become? I look around, embarrassed of what I am now. I was happy, I am happy, but it’s not what it was. I still love you, if that makes any difference? I look up now, muttering things to myself, I can’t believe it, how does he manage it? How does he get me to see these things? Everything has drown me out, I fall to the ground, why me? Why did I have to loose you? Why did I become this person everyone’s so disgusted with? I just sit there. Staring, I flicker through events, happy events, laughter, lots of laughter. A little turn up of a smile, comes upon my face, silly quotes, from people I care about, they fill me up with happiness. I realise how much they really mean to me. I study myself, my actions, and my words. I’ve closed myself in; I can barely look those people I love so much in the eye, why? Am I scared of how I’ve acted towards them? Do I feel a sense of shame from them? Am I scared of what they truly think, of this person they knew, and now know? Am I scared of loosing, what once was my special place? I look across the road; it’s still there, and full of life, just like it always has been. I feel stupid now, putting my head in my hands, trying to vanish from this place I stand within. Wishing the world would just swallow me up and put me away. Up high on a shelf, far away from anyone, until I’ve sorted myself out.
I imagine myself being a teddy, some ordinary teddy, but to one person being their life and soul, imagine going everywhere with that person, seeing what they see, feel what they feel, being the only one that matters in their life. I have that with you; but your not here. Not in person, not someone I can hold onto, without ever letting go, hearing your voice, over and over. I used to, but not anymore. I want to be that teddy, the one that everything depends on. The one thing, that a piece of them has disappeared, if they couldn’t take me with them. Will I ever get that again?
Nothing makes sense, not like it used to anyway. Some days everything makes sense, only when I’m in that place do I ever feel like ‘me’. I walk over sometimes, just with no feeling, and I come out happier than ever, people wonder where I have been, what I have experienced. This is a whole new side to the one your used to, am I right? I don’t know where it starts or begins, or the fact that it begins and ends at all? That’s the question. Questions, there are just so many questions I wanted to ask, I may know you well, but there’s always more to find out. I never know what to think most of the time, but I’m a firm believer in you, in him, I know I’m not a perfect being, I try my best to be me, but I can’t be anymore. I can only apologise for my sins to you, and others, I just hope for your forgiveness. I never know when to stop, if I can approach you? I’m a confused person, why am I a person? Why can’t I be that teddy? He gets loved, without asking for any. I look around and I hear the voice, the one I’m so desperate to hear.
“My little one, my special one, why are you so confused? You shouldn’t, you have everything here, and everything you need and want. Yes, life’s hard for you, why I’m still looking over you, I’m going no-where, and I’ve promised you that. I’ve always promised you, whatever goes on, I’ll still hold your hand, I love you, and you’re my friend. You know what that means to me. Don’t be confused and worried, people love you, for you, things change, people will always change around you, but you have to stay strong! Your dreams, your hopes, your home, they’ll all come one day, and I promise you, you’ll one day soon be so happy, you’ll break through the horrors of your mind, you’ll be set free. Believe me? Since when have I ever let you down? I hope the answers, never.”
I think, ‘what am I scared of?’ I actually don’t know, deep down I probably do, but at the moment, I don’t have a clue, there’s so many things to find out! Will I find these out? I’m going to try. Try and be the person I want to be, if life’s told me anything, it’s to be you. Trying to be someone else only makes you unhappy, makes you confused, leaving unwanted things to get into your head, and they end up destroying the things you want most. We’ve all done it sometime or other, I’m sure, no-ones perfect. He’s taught me, no-one is perfect. No-one.
I jump up from my chair, it’s time for change, he’s right, I shouldn’t be worried and confused, I should be full of life, absorbing all the information I need to survive in this life. I want this to be the best, yes, I don’t have you, but I have all the power my heart can produce and deal with! That’s all I need, trust in myself and your love. All I need to survive.
I tip toe down my path, my path of success, and pick up a rose that has fallen from the bush. I gently clench the petals in my hands and stroke the velvet bud. It’s so beautiful; life is full of beautiful things. Hidden little things. The sky is cloudy, but so blue, such a rich blue. The icy blow from the wind makes me shudder, I love that feeling, cold air upon my face, in my garden. I look down to my feet, deep buried under grass strands, weaving its self around my toes, I smile. Thinking to myself, 'I’m strange, I feel so lost yet so at home all at once, how could such a thing happen?' I laugh to myself now, quietly giggling. What a silly person I am, in this wide world. I carry the flower back inside, I walk to my sink. I’m not going anywhere. This is the chapter where so much and so little happen. It’s time to cast back.
I fill the vase with cold, fresh water and place my rose in there, a single rose, it symbols love. I love flowers. Lilies are my favourite, I think to myself. Such a strong colour is this red, I understand why people give roses out, they are so much more than a flower, studying the rose closely, I can’t keep my eyes off it, so many memories, many wishes, and, oh, so many secrets! I pick the clean vase up and take it over to my writing table, the one looking out the side bay, overlooking my enchanted garden. I dropped a few of my pencils on the floor and they rolled under my chair. Firstly arranging my sheets of paper, shuffling them into a random order
“I’ll sort them out later” I say out loud, putting them down on my armchair. I get on my knees and rummage around looking for my pencils “aha!” I’ve found them, but I feel something else under this old piece of furniture. I think, “What’s this?” I pull out a big book, a thick, dusty book. I blow off the dust. In big gold curly writing, it reads ‘my book of memories’. I get up, I stand still, it reminds me of a story I read some time ago, one of a room. With files. Lots of files. Millions of files. Happenings that has happened in the past, things of regrets, events to be pleased with, a whole new world. One that made you think of who the real you is all about. It’s so similar to my place. The place where I feel at peace. I wipe my hand over the front of the book; my hand was covered in dirt. I didn’t care, I was so curious of seeing what my whole life had been about, who I was, the real me, this book speaks of everything. It’s all in this book. A start to a new adventure.
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