I know the past is the past. But I really wish it was the present too. Our past was almost perfect. We were SO close. Inseparable. It's the past. I ruined that past, I know that I did. I'm so sorry. 'Cos now all I think about is the past we had. I want it back. Back here, now. I really, quite desperately want it back. There is no way I can, is there?
You say you love me. Care all the same. But it's not the same. It doesn't look the same. Or feel it. One year on and it's better, but not how we were. Or am I too stuck in what I *want* that I can't have it? It was a one in a million special friendship. I ruined that. All my stupid fault. I will constantly beat myself up over it. I do every time I want to go and talk to you. I know I can, but it's distant. I miss our stupidity. Our atmosphere. The easiness.
Maybe you were right. You normally are these days. Maybe we would've been different at this stage anyway. We actually have our own lives. Separate things. We get by, but, it's not so nice. Not when you've always been used to almost 24/7 contact. About stupid, little things. I still think of them little things. It wouldn't have the same effect as back then. Yet it would set off the bizzarely familar smirk I have memorized. Strange happenings. Everything's so different, yet the same. How do we manage this? Is it because, it really is the same, DEEP down? So far under the surface? I don't have the answers like I used to, maybe I never did?
Even if I never spoke to you again, i'd feel the same. I'd have wished I could turn back time and go back to that spot. It can't, and won't ever be like that again. I know that now. I want to be unbelievably close again. Possible? I have no clues to the future. I only, now know we have a friendship, one where the same pain gets inflicted to the other. I have to put myself in that situation. Back to words. I know your face, like I know my heart beats. It's always memorized. I like your words spoken out loud, I like to hear the whir of the thoughts spin out, and your face to share the thought, without your mask. That's what I like. I almost miss it. Time goes too fast.
We've been apart for too long. But it's ok. We can deal with it now. We've learnt to. It's always wishful thinking.
No comments:
Post a Comment