everything changes..

It was an ordinary night, I with the girls, drinking. I was sat in my friends room drinking and giggling about nothing; a normal time with the girls then. Only a couple of weeks before, I was probably one of the most miserable people on this planet. I was feeling lost. I was heartbroken, and had been for the last two years previous, yet, tonight was about finally getting mended and starting a new year, on a fresh slate. I never intended on finding anyone that night, in all, if anyone had told me that I could’ve, I honestly think I’d have stayed cleared. I was still fragile.

I was laughing about nothing, throwing things around and taking pointless pictures of my friends. I actually felt happy again and had a spark of hope in my heart. It was all going to be alright, I don’t need to worry anymore, I will find my way again. Although this night was working out just nicely, it took a lot of encouragement to get to this stage.

Two of us didn’t really want to go, but after some nagging and realising, it might not be so bad after all, we gave up and decided to tag along.
There was one name that stood out to me before I knew there was a party, and it was his name. I laughed and joked with the girls about this name, because it was unusual and I’m a sucker for anything slightly unusual, I just find it interesting and mysterious.

I was in the party mood after a couple of drinks and hours of mucking around, so I started getting ready, dancing in front of the mirror and singing badly out loud. For the first time, in a long time, I didn’t care about anything; I just wanted to have a good time.

Before leaving the house we all wrote a list of things we wanted to complete by the end of 2010. I remember this so clearly because, all three of us were in silent, and began being really serious about it. It was hard to think of things, but I remember the first one ‘completely get over Josh’ – this was my main goal. Although I felt on the way of being over him, I knew it wasn’t right to feel the way I did about him anymore. I ideally wanted to be single and happy, but not everything works the way you plan.

I was going to a house party with two of my best friends. Nothing could be more fun really, we’re all fairly confident and a bundle of giggles when we’re together, so it was going to be a great night wherever we were. Arriving was no problems; I had been drinking and was feeling hyper and silly, so the perfect beginning. I know when I’ve been drinking I don’t get shy; I just talk, and lots of it, to whoever.

So topping up drinks and taking shots was comfortable. I and a friend sat chatting whilst watching the others play card games, we were just being silly and talking about nonsense, like we often do. I remember standing in the kitchen trying some new drinks out and by that time feeling rather tipsy, but it was all still fun.

Then he came in and was talking about a drunken night with my friend in a club, I found it was a funny tale, but mostly the way he was saying it. He was a character, I already figured that one out, and he was friendly and genuine. Yes, this sudden interest in what he was doing and saying surprised me. I then turned round to my friend and asked her what his name was and she said the word I was hoping for (in a strange way).

‘Goose’.

I couldn’t help but smile when this word slipped from her lips, I had instantly found him interesting, remembering all the jokes I shared about him with my friends, I felt guilty for the mocking, but it made me feel automatically closer to him, as if I’ve already known him.

The rest of the night carried on, I sang and danced without a care in the world and it felt great. I never really thought more of him that night, I was thinking about my friend, who was getting very drunk at the time. I decided I would be the one to look after her and care about what she’s doing. She was a handful, but I love her so I would do what’s right by her, besides I was still having fun!

It came to midnight and we were all still dancing in the front room, didn’t do the massive countdown, everyone mainly was passing out and doing their own thing. I remember everyone piling out the room to watch the fireworks in the garden, I stood with a friend and we started talking and he joined in. I couldn’t help but secretly look at him. He seemed really nice. He began waffling about the different parts of the area, nothing actually interesting, but he made it interesting by the way he spoke of it.
I decided I needed to get a grip; I’m hardly in a state to start thinking like that about someone. So I left it, I didn’t really speak to him, yet I couldn’t help but feel curious about him, the way he laughed and spoke to others. There was something about him, but what was it?

I went home with the girls and we laughed, walked a few miles but got home perfectly fine, I was completely sober and I really enjoyed the evening and didn’t really want it to end, but it was going to have to.

The next day I went home and logged online as normal. I instantly got ambushed by my friend asking what I thought of him. I was surprised, and curious as to why she was interested in what I thought of him. Naturally I went ‘I don’t know him but he seemed a decent guy’. What else did she expect me to say? That I found him interesting and has a face of a thousand unheard of tales that I wanted to know, that he was one person I had found recently who could hold a decent conversation, oh and that I actually really liked him from that first few moments?

No, that would just be stupid to admit to.

Then came the real unexpected ‘He told Dave that he likes you, like, like, likes you’. Stupidly I was like ‘What, as in like like?’ I never know why I replied with that, but I’m guessing it was because I wasn’t expecting her to say something like that. But I liked it. I liked it very much. I remember grinning and thinking, ‘but, how could he? He barely spoke to me, I never saw him look at me once! Why would he me? He was interesting, I’m not’ but, despite all that, I was glad. Someone actually liked me. Of course I never thought much more of it, or thought it would go any further than that. I didn’t even think I’d hear his name again.

But from that day on, it was the only name I got to hear. I got given his number and told to text him. ‘But I don’t know the guy’ I thought, ‘He’ll just think I’m weird if I randomly text him, or maybe a stalker that found his number out, or maybe he’d think I’d forced it out of my friend’. I just texted him in the end. He texted back very quickly, this was surprising. His texts were just as interesting as him in person. This I didn’t expect.

We texted all night from that moment, but he said he had to go to sleep as he had to get up early the next day. I found myself frowning to this, I found myself not wanting him to leave. I wanted to talk to him. He said he’d text again soon. I was already waiting.

He texted again, exactly like he said. All day I found myself waiting to hear from him. It was all bizarre, how can I find someone so interesting when I’ve met them once and barely spoke to them? ‘Am I crazy?’ I thought to myself, ‘Do I need to just get on with something? Get a life?’ But I wanted to hear from him nonetheless.

As soon as he texted, the world wasn’t anything to be interested in. I was talking to this stranger I barely know. I wanted to talk to him, so much. Yes, I am crazy aren’t I?

It continued for a whole week, and I was getting sucked in by him, he was the one making my day and hearing his voice made me sleepy, I just wanted to know things, anything, I wanted to figure him out, I wanted to be surprised by him, listen to the way he thinks. I enjoyed hearing from him and found that we even had things in common.

It was progressing very fast, and I never wanted him to leave. The first time I met him, I was so excited, just to see him alone this time. Ok, I was terribly nervous and worried that it might not go as well as we hoped, but it went really well. I grew attached to him very quickly and got used to having him around the place and found that everywhere felt empty when he left. I wanted him to come back and never leave. I still think that.

Everything kept speeding up, everything carried on into a whirlwind, the one that still stands.

My life had turned into a whirlwind. I now understand love again, I knew there was a reason I spoke of it in a positive way. I knew deep down it was still the best feeling anyone could experience, I just lost that judgement. I forgot how powerful it was, how perfect it could be, simply because I didn’t have it, until now. And hopefully, till the end.